Q&A What Do His Boundary Violations Mean?

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Question: 

I have had three D-days concerning our 23-year marriage. My husband is now seemingly working hard on his recovery. He has completed Hope for Healing, continues to read, meet with accountability partners, and says all the right things to me. He has spent the past ten months studying shame and his need for affirmation. He seems eager and sincere to change. Also as part of his recovery, he came up with some specific boundaries for himself, as his third affair resulted from him ignoring our general boundaries. At that time, he said that to him the general boundary didn't seem to apply. This week, he crossed one of his own specific boundaries. I found out the same way I discovered his third affair--by him telling a casual story. When I asked him later why he decided to do it, he replied he "thought it was a nothing" and apologized to me. He knows he has work to do to be safe for me and himself, yet he once again felt free to change a boundary in the moment. How do I balance his involvement in a casual, non-threatening group chat on one side with his ease of crossing his own marriage boundary/word to me on the other side? Obviously had he not crossed the boundary, he would have honored me or our marriage and I would know he is choosing to be safe for me. Is this a case where he can't/won't be safe for me and I need to leave? With all of the work he is doing, his private actions do not seem to be changing.

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Crossing the line

He just doesn’t get it yet so ask him to leave. I had the same issue - something my husband thought was nothing - so I moved him out lock stock and barrel and God kept saying to me “everything”. If we don’t help them to experience the consequences of their choices we are not showing love or keeping ourselves safe

Crossing the line

He just doesn’t get it yet so ask him to leave. I had the same issue - something my husband thought was nothing - so I moved him out lock stock and barrel and God kept saying to me “everything”. If we don’t help them to experience the consequences of their choices we are not showing love or keeping ourselves safe

Crossing the line

He just doesn’t get it yet so ask him to leave. I had the same issue - something my husband thought was nothing - so I moved him out lock stock and barrel and God kept saying to me “everything”. If we don’t help them to experience the consequences of their choices we are not showing love or keeping ourselves safe