Q&A What Do I Do Now That There Is a Child with the Affair Partner?

Submitted by Leslie_Hardie Fri, 11/22/2019 - 16:16

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Question: 

It is stated many places that it is important for the unfaithful to break off all contact with the affair partner for several reasons. Sadly, it is not possible in my situation. My 62 year old spouse knowingly conceived a baby with his 27 year old affair partner. He is going through a legal suit about custody, child support, etc. He doesn’t want physical custody but feels he needs to keep some sort of shared legal custody because he is certain that she will implode sometime in the future and this child will need to be rescued. In the interim he has weekly visitation with his now 17 month old daughter. We live in a small town and she gave the baby my spouses name even though her other 2 children have 2 different last names so many people know. The affair partner is younger than our 2 daughters and was his employee. What do I do?

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Thank you for answering my

Submitted by [name hidden] on

Thank you for answering my question. Honestly, I didn't expect it. It is a very complicated and difficult situation. What I didn't include in my original question is that she emotionally abuses her 2 other children to manipulate and punish her 2 ex-husbands and she was having an affair with another older married man at the same time she was having an affair with my husband. He knew all this. She I say that the pregnancy was intentional because it certainly was on her part as she was trying to get pregnant as a last ditch effort to convince my husband to leave me and join her family incase things didn't work out with the other guy. My husband knew she wasn't using birth control and would get angry if he tried to so to make sure he got what he wanted he would not push the issue with her. Also, another big issue for me is the financial jeopardy he has put us in. She has told people that he used his position as her employer to pressure her as she was afraid to lose her job in the middle of her court fight with her ex-husband over custody and support of her second child. But at the same times told other people that she has her eye on him and wanted a relationship for over a year. So not only am I going to have to postpone my retirement but one way or another despite my sacrifices and hard work it will not be the retirement I have been working for all my adult life. One other issue I struggle with is my self-esteem and self-worth. I think I could have more easily accepted his decision to have an affair if it had been with someone he had fallen in love with who was a person with was accomplished and with whom he had shared interests other than having sex in the back seat of our vehicle in parking lots and children's playgrounds. I'm not saying that I'm anything special but now I feel like I am a worthless piece of trash. Yes, intellectually I get it all, my spouse and I met in post-graduate/professional school, but I can't stop feeling that way. I am currently in HH and I know that I would benefit greatly from professional counseling but I have not been able to find anyone who specializes in infidelity or intimate partner trauma in my small community.
I'm not sure where this gets posted to or who can see it helps me to just to say it. I welcome any feed back or suggestions.

Your story is nearly

Submitted by [name hidden] on

Your story is nearly identical to mine. My H is 51 and had a 6 month affair with a 24yo employee of his. She became pregnant with twins who were born 5 months ago. She begged him to leave me and marry her. Her mom, who is our age, was begging him, too. How sick to beg a man her own age to leave his wife and marry her daughter! There is no dad in their lives and they desperately wanted someone to take care of them. I have no doubt she got pregnant on purpose.
After DDay 13 months ago, he immediately broke it off with her. We met together with her and he told her what they did was a huge mistake and very wrong, he couldn’t lose me and his family, and he would never be with her. He also told her he could not be a dad again (our kids are 31 & 27) and suggested she make the loving choice of adoption with a stable, loving family to give the babies a better life. She refused because she hoped he would change his mind when they were born. He didn’t. Now our retirement has also been affected as he will have to pay child support for TWO for 18 years! He hates himself for what he has done to me/us/our family, but has done everything to prove how sorry he is and has been in marriage counseling with me since I found out. Our biggest fear now is that she gets a lawyer and takes him to court since he was her boss. We stand to lose everything. Side note: This is her third time to get pregnant by a different man, and the third time she’s been dumped. She’s obviously not catching on.
This is the most excruciating thing I have ever experienced in my life. I still cry nearly every day and long for the sweet, loving marriage we had for so long. My heart is crushed.
I am so terribly sad for the enormous number of women and men who have experienced betrayal by their partners. The numbers are staggering. :(

Thank you

Submitted by [name hidden] on

Thank you so much for your reply. I feel so alone. I know I'm being prideful but if feel my situation is worse, but maybe just complicated in a different way, than others. This week was the second anniversary if my d-day and it has been very difficult to say the least. I would like to continue to correspond with you and anyone else who might have a similar story who would like to join us. I wonder if there is a way we could do this?
Stay hopeful.

Child with affair partner

Submitted by [name hidden] on

Ladies , I want to thank you for being so brave to share your stories. I too am facing the same heart wrenching situation. My husband's affair partner also worked with him at his department . He is a police officer. And like both of you , a baby was born and he was born on my birthday 12/20. I've had no one to share my pain with . It's been 4.5 years and I still cannot talk about it without sobbing . I've found no one until reading your stories , to relate with .
I haven't been able to find counseling either that is appropriate.
Please let's keep in touch .
Let's find our healing together.

Child with affair partner

Submitted by [name hidden] on

Ladies , I want to thank you for being so brave to share your stories. I too am facing the same heart wrenching situation. My husband's affair partner also worked with him at his department . He is a police officer. And like both of you , a baby was born and he was born on my birthday 12/20. I've had no one to share my pain with . It's been 4.5 years and I still cannot talk about it without sobbing . I've found no one until reading your stories , to relate with .
I haven't been able to find counseling either that is appropriate.
Please let's keep in touch .
Let's find our healing together.

Child with affair partner

Submitted by [name hidden] on

Ladies , I want to thank you for being so brave to share your stories. I too am facing the same heart wrenching situation. My husband's affair partner also worked with him at his department . He is a police officer. And like both of you , a baby was born and he was born on my birthday 12/20. I've had no one to share my pain with . It's been 4.5 years and I still cannot talk about it without sobbing . I've found no one until reading your stories , to relate with .
I haven't been able to find counseling either that is appropriate.
Please let's keep in touch .
Let's find our healing together.

Wow, I am so very sorry for

Submitted by [name hidden] on

Wow, I am so very sorry for the situation you are in. My spouse broke our wedding vows on Mother's Day and now I struggle mightily on that day. I haven't been able to allow my children to do anything to recognize that day for the past 2 years. As much as I love and cherish my 3 children and feel blessed to be their mother, that day is now the worst days of my life, followed closely by Dec. 6th when my spouse told me that he was having an affair. Fortunately they are grown adults and understand.
What role is your husband playing in the child's life? Does it require your participation as well?
My spouse is still in litigation. Fortunately he is not requesting physical custody but for the past approximately 9 months he has been having visitation which has consisted of about an hour to an hour and a half at some public location. Up until about 6 weeks ago I accompanied him on these visitations. He asked me to because he did not trust her and wanted a witness. I think maybe he didn't trust himself 100%. I stopped going because I decided it was too difficult for me and I consider it a victory for myself for establishing and maintaining that boundary.
I hope we can continue to be source of support for each other or at least a sounding board or place to express our thoughts and feelings.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
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