Q&A Where Did the Weakness to Have an Affair Come From?

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Its 2.5 years since D-Day and we’ve done a lot of work to get where we are which still isn’t completely healed but definitely so much closer than imagined. But whenever my husband and I argue about anything he brings up the past. (As far back as 1995) and will make generalizations like “you always” and “I never.” While talking calmly about why he does that he said it’s because he’s trying to figure out why he was so weak to have an affair. I was shocked & confused. First off that makes it sound like the marriage was the problem which I reminded him while it wasn’t perfect and we’ve both since learned a lot about how to make it better we were both in it and only one had an affair. Second, in our work we’ve uncovered how controlling & manipulative the affair partner was just like his mom and how she shared her pain on losing a daughter a pain my husband knows as he still hasn’t recovered from his loss 30 years ago. Other than EMS we never worked infidelity specialists & our first therapist kept insisting that our marriage couldn’t have been as good as I thought if he had an affair. I’m wondering how much damage that may have had on his thinking and on his ability to really get to the root of the issues. While he says it wasn’t my fault he had an affair, he’s searching on past issues leaves me feeling he’s blaming me. Was the affair a result of his personal weaknesses and the affair partner’s ability to use them for her advantage or a result in weaknesses in our marriage?



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