The Biggest Myths About Unfaithful Wives

Seductress. Temptress. Tease. Slut. Cougar. Man Eater. Sexpot. The Other Woman. Homewrecker. Tramp. Whore.

There is a litany of degrading slurs that seem to be our culture's go-to vocabulary to describe women who cheat on their husbands. I'm not sure why, but there aren't nearly as many words out there for unfaithful men.

If you are a woman who has been unfaithful in her relationship, your reaction to these words could be one of the following: 1) Yes, that is me. I was exposed early to the "powerful, sexual woman,” and I enjoy putting on the charm. 2) I have such intense feelings for my affair partner (AP) that I don't feel bothered by those adjectives. 3) Those words cause me to shrink in shame and die inside. 4) Or some other set of complex feelings and thoughts altogether.

If you are a woman who has had an affair and the labels of “other woman,” “home wrecker,” or “tramp” don't fit, then who are you, exactly? As someone who has personally felt the weight and stigma of these labels, I want to help us examine some of the most common beliefs, questions, and misconceptions about unfaithful women.

Are they reckless, selfish, seducing forces that need to be tamed? Are they nothing more than master manipulators? Are they narcissists in disguise? The behavior displayed in an affair indicates YES, and I cannot argue with that. Every affair is built on deception, recklessness, manipulation, and selfishness, and the net result is always damage and broken trust. But the behavior alone will not give us a bigger picture to the why. The behavior in the affair exposes what could be going on inside, which is what we want to cover today.

When I meet one-on-one with folks in my job or through Affair Recovery, I have had the opportunity to walk alongside hundreds of women who have been unfaithful. All have lied and acted out in secretive behavior. Most have acted out emotionally and often physically and sexually. Some have had a one-night stand or a string of them. Some have engaged in online relationships with men they have never met, while others have had physical encounters that lasted for decades.

While all of these behaviors are harmful and demand accountability, many of the misconceptions and labels oversimplify what's actually happening with these women.

Misconception #1

When a wife has an affair, it means she wants out of the marriage or never wanted the marriage in the first place.

In my own experience, and in working with other couples, I have not found this to be true. More often, I see that affairs have MUCH more to do with a woman's internal discontent than a direct desire to leave her marriage. Most women who are 6-12 months into their recovery start to look back on their affairs with enormous regret. Many realize they gave up on their marriage way too soon.

Some never understand what marriage is supposed to be, while others feel like failures. Very few actually WANT to blow up their lives. It often takes risking everything for some to finally see the value of what they had.

When I look back on my personal Discovery Day, I find endless journal entries packed full of emotions. For the first time in my adult life, I expressed how I was truly feeling.

Here is an example of what I wrote in my journal:

The real tragedy is that the (AP) often reinforces this illusion he is the heroic figure who will rescue a woman from her disillusionment or disappointment.

What I often encourage women do is realize that it's up to them to rescue themselves. And the most courageous thing they can do to help their betrayed husbands is to take ownership by getting help and getting really honest.

Misconception #2

If she did feel guilt during the affair and knew it was wrong, why didn't she stop?

Sadly, shame rarely has the power to interrupt behavior. Shame usually sustains the behavior. Knowing something is wrong or harmful for our relationship doesn't necessarily give us the power to stop. We tend to stick with what has a payoff, especially when the alternative to the selfish gratification would be to face a VERY harsh reality.

This is really difficult to understand, but the prevailing mentality is often “this cannot be undone.” On some level, most people involved in infidelity know that something is deeply off, and part of them has been wanting to stop the affair, yet shame around their choices keep them in a toxic cycle.

For women, an affair isn't always about prowling for opportunity like the terms vixen or cougar might suggest. Usually it is about running, not pursuing. Women who are acting out or pursuing sex, they are often escaping something too — something in their past, present, or future that they don't want to face.

Beneath the surface of every unfaithful man or woman, there is often unresolved hurt, trauma, or disconnection from reality. Choosing recovery will require intense focus and work to understand what put you into this toxic cycle.

Unfaithful women, without help and corrective modeling, you may believe you are nothing but a slut, homewrecker, or whore, and that your degradation is so bad that it disqualifies you from peace and healing. Recovery for you requires exploring where your layers of shame and feelings of inadequacy began. It also means letting go of the need to maintain appearances, especially the image of being able to handle everything.

Misconception #3

Women who have had affairs are manipulative liars and they will never be capable of change.

Women who have been unfaithful are not caricatures. None of them set out in life to be this way, and I have seen SO MUCH CHANGE in hundreds of women that I believe redemption is always possible!

Fear of conflict or loss will motivate lying. People who have affairs have often not learned how to have hard conversations, set boundaries, or tolerate emotional discomfort. This is not an excuse for the deception more than it is a way to help see the error in saying “a cheater is always a cheater.”

If you attend a 12-step meeting or get involved in one of our programs at Affair Recovery, you'd see transparency and accountability in action.

Ladies, if you are still in your affair or have not found a way to protect yourselves, please, stop and get help. Gentlemen, if you can offer a chance for her to change, you might end up with a wife that is more than you could imagine.

Misconception #4

If a woman has had an affair, it is her husband's fault. He failed to protect her or satisfy her.

This belief can be terribly confusing and damaging for men who have been betrayed. It leaves them feeling unwanted, uncertain, and prone to comparing themselves to the AP.

This sense of blame and inadequacy is often reinforced by our society, churches, friends, or families. There must be something wrong with her husband or the marriage. He had to have neglected her, not satisfied her, or not protected her. Maybe he abused her.

If you have been betrayed by your wife, you are not the problem. You are not the cause. You are not to blame. The unfaithful are 100% responsible for their actions. Your relationship is not the problem, but your relationship will be the stage in which the deeper internal struggles play out.

For the betrayed, healing will require addressing the guilt, shame, and sense of inadequacy that has set in. Most men will try to do anything to regain a sense of control over something that feels incredibly personal and dehumanizing. This protective instinct (which is God given) can morph into anger, possessiveness, or an intense focus on the enemy.

To all men who have been betrayed - your wife or partner's choices ultimately belong to her. Please find safe people you trust to help you walk through this, not people who will blame you or demonize your wife.

An affair doesn't diagnose a broken marriage, it just exposes the one person in the marriage that doesn't know how to deal with their own brokenness behind their choices.

I'd like to end today with some points of hope from the Bible in the book of Romans written by Paul: Kindness leads to repentance. God is kind, and it is His kindness that can lead you to a place of realizing that you need help.

Change never starts with condemnation. It only begins when we allow ourselves to be seen and valued. This creates a better environment where genuine change is possible.

Those who have been unfaithful are not worthless because of what they have done.

Those who have reacted in hurt, insecurity, and rage are not worthless because of what they have done.

To anyone listening who has been unfaithful and feels discouraged, listen to this healing truth: Who you are is very separate from what you've done.

I'm going to end with some more labels. They aren't perfect, but in them, there is hope. When someone who has been unfaithful chooses honesty, integrity and courage to face what they have done, they are: Human. Wounded. Salvageable. Broken. Desolate. Searching. Lost. Imperfect. Worthy. Redeemable. Capable of change.

If you are a woman who has been wayward in your relationship, I can't encourage you enough to consider signing up for our gender-specific Hope for Healing course. You will journey for several months in a group designed just for you. You will take a deep dive into understanding the “why” to your behavior, and you will receive practical ways of how to regulate your emotions. You'll get much needed support from others who not only speak your same language, but can also offer a life line to break the isolation. All of our groups are 100% confidential and led by trained facilitators that have been through this.