You Must Know Why You or Your Spouse Cheated

Samuel tackles a sensitive subject: understanding the importance of why a spouse cheats.

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Development, or flat change?

I have no authority over these issues and have struggled with that which I will write here. My purpose for writing this is to relay my understanding and to be checked if I misunderstand; I would appreciate feedback if you have the time.
I assume that some betrayer's understanding of "why" changes flatly because they were wrong. However for me (so far, 1 year+ since I started contemplating after my self-induced soul crushing), my understanding of "why" has only changed because it has Developed from my initial understanding, which was/is true. My initial comprehensions haven't changed because they were "wrong". Rather, with a lot of work, humility and submission over time~ developing information has compounded my understanding for a brighter, more clear big-picture of "why" (as opposed to simply "changing"). And it is still developing. I think if we're honest with ourselves~ this development shall never stop if we're on a righteous path. That is why I find it paramount to share with my betrayed spouse my introspective journey, because she needs to be kept up to date on the "why" as well. This communication is a basic common task for a righteous marriage. It shouldn't be viewed as something "above and beyond". With out loving communication & connection, marriages with fidelity have trouble, not to mention marriages with infidelity. If I'm not on track with what you are saying, please respond. Thanks~ ScumBum

great points one caveat...

great obeservation and i think you're right on with most of what you're saying.  however, some spouses do not want to be up to speed on the continual development.  they sometimes, want to maybe hear at benchmarks at say a year or two or something, but sometimes they just do not want to be kept up to date too frequently.  they are not hiding, but they would rather talk about regular everyday life so if a spouse is not wanting to talk about the progression that's not unhealthy as much as it's really just not wanting to relive it every day or week.  hope that makes sense. 


Thanks You Sir

It does indeed make sense. We greatly appreciate your and AR's wonderful work.

Importance of Knowing Why

When there is no clear answer to Why, after months of counseling, boot camp, sex addiction group therapy, questions asked and talking it out. When all you hear are excuses (justifications) and a mix of contradictions on thoughts and feelings during the time of the affairs, and loads of lies and cover ups that keep coming to light, then I feel as if he can’t be truthful because he just doesn’t trust me. Why does he continue to lie when he tells me how much he loves me and wants us to heal from this? I am having more anguish over his non or partial disclosure than I am with him having the affairs. If he doesn’t know why (after over a year) or can’t truthfully tell me why then how can he expect me to trust him about the present and future? I’m dealing with anger now over this because he just keeps poking at the boil and covering it with little heart covered bandages instead of lancing the thing. Sometimes I wonder if he has Deeper issues and actually enjoys the roll he has of the healer white knight . That maybe he is purposely keeping me in a state of confusion. Without the truth about everything and especially the Why then the betrayed spouse is put in a place where the imagination runs wild and paranoia reigns supreme. Non disclosure is a cruel and selfish, emotionally tormenting thing. It is the heart of betrayal. Selfish secrets kept at the expense of another.

it's very true...

often times, spouses can get over the affairs, but not the lying and perpetual deception.  in many ways it's fear of you finding out all the info and then deciding you don't want to stay in the marriage.  or, it can be that he just doesn't want to tell you everything as it hurts too much to give it up and is afraid you'll throw it in his face for the rest of his life.  not saying you will at all, but he may fear that.  he's just not aware of the suffering and the turmoil you are in due to his actions.  it's very normal. this article if you or he haven't read it may help:  maybe he will read that and see the need to help you get the information you need.  you may also tell him, "no matter what you tell me, i will not make any decisions for at least two weeks.  i'll think about it, pray about it, meditate about it (if you're a praying person) and then get help to decide.  but i have to know all the information.  i commit to not making any decisions like "i knew it."  "we're done, i can't believe you did that."  if you say those things, after he comes clean, he'll never come clean again.  so i'd commit to that and see if he will give you more information.