I have no authority over these issues and have struggled with that which I will write here. My purpose for writing this is to relay my understanding and to be checked if I misunderstand; I would appreciate feedback if you have the time.
I assume that some betrayer's understanding of "why" changes flatly because they were wrong. However for me (so far, 1 year+ since I started contemplating after my self-induced soul crushing), my understanding of "why" has only changed because it has Developed from my initial understanding, which was/is true. My initial comprehensions haven't changed because they were "wrong". Rather, with a lot of work, humility and submission over time~ developing information has compounded my understanding for a brighter, more clear big-picture of "why" (as opposed to simply "changing"). And it is still developing. I think if we're honest with ourselves~ this development shall never stop if we're on a righteous path. That is why I find it paramount to share with my betrayed spouse my introspective journey, because she needs to be kept up to date on the "why" as well. This communication is a basic common task for a righteous marriage. It shouldn't be viewed as something "above and beyond". With out loving communication & connection, marriages with fidelity have trouble, not to mention marriages with infidelity. If I'm not on track with what you are saying, please respond. Thanks~ ScumBum

I cheated on my spouse 19 years ago. He wants to know why. I can't give him the answer that he's looking for. The only answer I have is that I was in a very low place at the time. I felt as though our marriage was over and that he no longer loved or cared for me. I allowed myself to take the bait of someone saying nice things to forget how I was feeling. This only lasted maybe 2 weeks. When we had sex, I immediately felt guilty and regretted what I did. I realized that I loved my husband and wanted our marriage. He always suspected that something happened and I have lied to him about it for 19 years. I wanted to hide the truth from him, because I didn't want to hurt him. Also, selfishly I didn't want anyone to know and I didn't want to lose my husband. I finally came clean with him 9 months ago and it has been a struggle. I love him more than anything and want our marriage to last. I know he loves me, but the pain he has is just too much for him to bare. He says he has to know why and that there is more to it than I am telling him. We need help! Any advise?

Thank you. This has helped me to realize that we are in a really good place. I’m the betrayed spouse wanting to know why. Since disclosure 2 months ago, my husband has offered many contributing readons mostly centering on our relationship and how he thought we weren’t doing well at all. We weren’t doing great, but in my mind what was going on was hardly affair causing; although I do agree it was a contributing factor. Recently he had said that he really doesn’t know why, but that he wants to do the work to figure out how he got there and how to not go back into that dark place where he found himself, without a moral anchor, lost and hopeless. After listening to this video by Samuel, I see that my husband is right where he should be: broken and humble and knowing that he needs some outside help to sort it out. I also want to sort out my own issues that may have contributed to the distance in our marriage. We both agree that our goal is to create an enviable relationship, an example to our children and grandchildren.