Q&A Why Does My Husband Act like I’m the One with the Problem?

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Question: 

I’m struggling spending time doing my Harboring Hope reading and also finding the time to spend with my husband. He is distant when I tell him I need to spend time doing the course reading and answering the questions. His actions show me that he believes I’m the one with a problem. He is not doing anything for himself, as far as I can tell, and that shows me that he doesn’t think he needs to work on himself and why he chose to go against his values entering into this affair. He also had an affair with his ex-wife 20+ years ago, and I believe we swept it under the rug and didn’t really deal with the reasons why he felt it was necessary to also have that affair. He divorced his first wife after 17 months of marriage, who he had the first affair with, because he caught her in an affair. We have been married for 33 years and dated/lived together for five years before we got married. At the time of his first affair after 7 years of marriage to me, his parents said they would pray for us after disclosing to them that we were having marital problems because of my husband’s affair with his ex-wife. My father-in-law was a minister. This was difficult for me, because they acted as though the affair was my problem and that their son was acting out a problem in our marriage. How is it that my husband doesn’t understand that he also needs to figure out why he can destroy me once again with his actions, and also go against his values? It’s very frustrating for me trying to understand how it is that he doesn’t see that he also has issues that need to be brought out in the open and dealt with for “US” to have a chance at a better marriage?

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New revaluations

Months later, I found out that my UH has been acting out for years. This early question was such a minor part of my affair recovery journey. Only after a polygraph 4 months later, did so many more layers of deception come into the light of day. Pornography, bar pickups, Ashley Madison account for 11+ years, affairs with acquaintances and friends, and what else has not been exposed yet in this infidelity journey, IDK. I understand that I need to find my own healing. I’m being exposed to a world I didn’t want an education in. I’m spending time in retirement learning about sex addiction and affair recovery. I’m spending retirement money trying to find healing and understanding for this pain I am feeling. I’m communicating with other spouses going through this infidelity pain. I’m learning that others have journeys that are just as painful. I’m seeing that there are so many strong women who are also struggling with understanding how the spouse they vowed to love, honor and cherish could also cheat multiple times and treat them like they didn’t even exist. How do you find your way out of this unbelievable pain? How do you get to a place of finding the hope that one day you can learn to really laugh and love once again? It’s a place where none of us betrayed spouses thought we would ever be exposed to when we said our marriage vows. I’m understanding that I need to find my own way to heal from this pain of infidelity. May we all learn from each other. May we all gain strength from each other going through this difficult journey.

New revaluations

Months later, I found out that my UH has been acting out for years. This early question was such a minor part of my affair recovery journey. Only after a polygraph 4 months later, did so many more layers of deception come into the light of day. Pornography, bar pickups, Ashley Madison account for 11+ years, affairs with acquaintances and friends, and what else has not been exposed yet in this infidelity journey, IDK. I understand that I need to find my own healing. I’m being exposed to a world I didn’t want an education in. I’m spending time in retirement learning about sex addiction and affair recovery. I’m spending retirement money trying to find healing and understanding for this pain I am feeling. I’m communicating with other spouses going through this infidelity pain. I’m learning that others have journeys that are just as painful. I’m seeing that there are so many strong women who are also struggling with understanding how the spouse they vowed to love, honor and cherish could also cheat multiple times and treat them like they didn’t even exist. How do you find your way out of this unbelievable pain? How do you get to a place of finding the hope that one day you can learn to really laugh and love once again? It’s a place where none of us betrayed spouses thought we would ever be exposed to when we said our marriage vows. I’m understanding that I need to find my own way to heal from this pain of infidelity. May we all learn from each other. May we all gain strength from each other going through this difficult journey.

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