Q&A Is the Affair the Problem or a Symptom?

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Question: 

During the first year of our marriage in 1998 we struggled with physical intimacy. I'd initiate, he'd reject me. I have also always been the main financial provider for our family, he has only worked sporadically. He has secretly maxed out our credit at least 4 times. We disagree on parenting. He's a Disneyland Dad. I'm Military Mom by comparison. During the 10th year of our marriage our middle child was diagnosed with a rare, terminal disorder. I begged for counseling. He refused. In March 2016, I kicked him out hoping he would fight for our family. Unfortunately, it backfired. He had started an emotional affair with a co-worker two months prior which instantly became physical. Original D-Day occurred in June 2016. Thanks to another program, I was able to embrace him, tell him I still loved him and hoped that we could work through it. Eventually he moved home but the affair continued for three more months until I put forth an ultimatum. He chose his family but still refused counseling. In spring 2017, we did another program that addressed the ADHD effect on marriage and the parent-child dynamic of our relationship. There were some improvements but by January 2018, I realized that our marriage was exactly as it had been pre-affair yet worse. We're about to begin EMSO. Unfortunately, I'm not hopeful. Even if my husband puts forth the effort and finally 'gets it', I'm not sure our other issues will be resolved.

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