Q&A How Can We De-Escalate Our Toxic Fights?

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I've wanted to ask for a while about the cycle of toxicity and repair. My husband and I are 1 year 2 months out from his relapse and 1 year 7 months out from the original D-Day (same woman). Since the relapse we've attended EMS weekend, marriage therapy, individual therapy (me - EMDR,husband - brainspotting PTSD - military related), we attend our weekly calls and keep up with all HW assignments religiously. We are both incredibly committed to this process. However, when I'm really triggered, he will often turn it around to himself and say "well this is hard on me too", and it begins. We really try to avoid toxic fights, we didn't really have them before the affair. Now we go about 1-2 weeks incredibly connected... beyond anything we've ever felt which is weird to me because I still have a lot of fear and sadness but I've also never felt so close. Then a reminder hits, I get scared, or he has the same happen with his own PTSD which triggers mine and the cycle begins. Our therapists tell us the frequency isn't "normal" and doing this up/down will lead to our demise if we can't get a few good months before a blowout. I'd like some perspective on this. By toxic I mean, explicit language, insults, threatening divorce(me) and breaking stuff. (No children, in case you were wondering)



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