Q&A How Do I Convey That I Still Loved My Spouse during My Affair?

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Question: 

At D-Day I wanted to remain with my husband. I loved him still and could not understand why I had done this. We immediately went into therapy. We agreed I would cut off contact w the AP. I meant that when I said it. But my husband was very angry. At times he was kind. Then mad. Things were said. It was a very horrible time. I would go a week or 10 days and then talk to my AP. I liked that he didn’t see me as this horrible person. I know it was wrong but somehow I could not just stop that connection immediately. I wondered if I loved my AP. But through that counseling I realized I only loved the way he made me feel better about myself. Through the first 7 weeks of recovery my husband discovered contact 3 times between my AP and myself. The third time I knew I had to stop. No matter how scared I was, no matter what my husband did to me I realized I deserved it all and it was my responsibility to do so. I told my AP to leave me alone. That was two years ago. We’ve been in counseling and just started the EMS course. My husband is convinced those 7 weeks mean I did not love him. That if I wanted to stay I would have immediately stopped any contact. I wish I had but from reading I don’t think this it is unusual to find it difficult to break it off. Even if you want to. I try to tell him it was like I was addicted almost to that feeling. I am glad all of that is behind us. I have spent 2 years repenting for these mistakes. How do I make my husband understand those 7 weeks do not mean what he imagined them to mean?

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