I Wanted to Be Liked...that's the Reason I Had the Affair

Samuel shares a common struggle couples have in recovery and understanding why spouses really cheat.

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Husband wants to be affirmed.

Hi Samuel. As the betrayed I have watched many of your video’s to try and understand my husbands mind for doing what he is doing. We are separated and he has carried on with his affair for over a year. He doesn’t live with her but won’t let go either to come back to the marriage. I thank you for being so open and honest about your struggles and marriage. I pray that one day I too can have a story of redemption as my husband is “stuck” being stuck. It is very true when you say it’s easier not to have to deal with the realities marriage brings. That is what I see my husband is doing. Thanks again for your authenticity. It is appreciated.

carmen03...

there are days when it's tough to do these vlogs and you wonder if they do much for people, then you get comments like this.  thank you so much for sharing and commenting, and of course, for watching.  thank you for that.  means a ton that you'd take time to comment and compliment me.  thank you so much.  

Timely even for us 4+ years post initial D-Day...

Samuel thank you for shining a light on the truth of our own egos. This video made me reflect on how fragile and vulnerable our egos really are. With being wrapt up in child bearing and rearing Men's egos get totally ignored as do the women's. When the low hanging fruit comes along and feeds into the need to be worshipped POW there goes the destruction of the the marriage and simultaneously the women's/bertrayed's ego and self esteem. After several D-Days, relapse, trickle truth, Harboring hope online, live x2, EMS live in 2015 and several $1000s in therapy, we still struggle with this dynamic in our marriage that still remains like a cancer that if not addressed can continue to grow. As we age and our children, the marriage absolutely needs to address this root of desire and feeling desired. Esther Perel hits it the nail on the head: Can anyone be 100% at fault when an affair occurs? Child rearing absolutely drains that Desire/Desirability woohoo factor in a marriage that started off as an incredible attraction. True, mature love requires more than just that sexual and psychic desire. I have now come to believe that the self Love, the inner God IAM love is where we must draw from if we are ever going to truly be 2 servants in Love. IN LOVE has taken on a different meaning now, post infidelities, post deceptions, post betrayals and through forgiveness, through Grace, through Mercy and only through the mystery of Hope can we truly feel that healing, I think too hormonal upheavals need to be addressed in both men and women and how it correlates to depression and extramarital behavior for both Men and Women at the varying stages of our lives. Thanks again Samuel and AR team. Great work you guys are doing to address this human preventable disease that is so traumatic for so many people.

thank you acemom....

thanks for sharing my friend.  i know it's tough and it's a process and for some it's hard as hell and takes time and incremental growth.  i appreciate you being on the site and providing feedback and thoughts.  it means a ton.  thank you for that.  i'm glad you're staying strong and till here.  i'll share the feedback with the team for sure.  you're a survivor.  you're tough.  you've got grit and you'll get through this, live to tell about it and continue to be a great friend and encourager to so many. 

 

Thank you

Thank you for being faithful in posting your blogs. I am not sure how much work goes into doing these. I wish others were as faithful as you in posting.
It took my husband about a year to say it was the undivided attention and escape from reality that kept the affair going for as long as it did.

However I do have a question, you have mentioned in several blogs that you felt like you were treated as a child. My husband has said that to. My reply to him is when you are refusing to accept household responsibilities (paying the bills, taking out the trash, being the parent, etc,) I had no choice but to step up and do it all. I know I treated him as a child, but it was his behavior that dictated my response. He will now say well I know I did not go enough, but has yet to say I can see where my behavior and me ducking my responsibilities caused you to have to step up and "adult" for both of us.

Questioning language choice

When you talk about warnings, you say a warning is when Samantha’s behavior is contemptuous and yours is merely unloving. Is this choice of language the truth, gender biased, or minimization of her behavior versus yours?

Sorry, a minimization of your

Sorry, a minimization of your behavior versus hers. Not the other way around. Contemptuous is much stronger than unloving.

it's from love and respect....

love and respect by emmerson eggerichs talks about when a husband feels disrespected/contempt from his spouse he pulls away and feels distant.  when a wife feels a significant lack of love and connection with their spouse, a wife feels hurt, wounded and it's a warning sign for her that something's not right, we're not right and we have to get back to some basics in recovery and our overall marriage.  if you haven't read the book, it may not make sense so my apologies if it was out of context, but for us, it's very contextual.   when she feels unloved, it's not good at all.  when i feel disrespected it's not good at all.  

Ems werkend

I don't know how else to reach you and I am trying to learn about the ems weekend. Do you work them as well? I really wish my husband would take an interest in your vlogs. They are amazing and you help with the understanding so well. Thank you.

hi there...you can email me...

barbara 234, i'm sorry. we don't monitor the comments too closely on weekends and it looks like your comment came through on a weekend.  if i'm wrong, i'm very sorry.  you can email me at samuel@hope-now.com and i'd be happy to chat.  hope that helps you.

 

 

Thank you

I cannot express enough the sincere appreciation that I have not only for myself but also my husband as we recently began this journey. You provide such a valuable insight that therapists have lacked. Your programs and videos are very informative and SO helpful in recovery for us and for us to have a better understanding and ability to see our situation more objectively. This video especially was helpful for me in an understanding and explanation of the "why". Thank you SO much! Keep up the wonderful personalized vlogs, messages and course offerings. Take care <3

you're very kind....thank you so much...

i'm so glad you found us and are here.  thank you for taking the time to encourage me and share such great feedback.  

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