I Wanted to Be Liked...that's the Reason I Had the Affair

Samuel shares a common struggle couples have in recovery and understanding why spouses really cheat.

Add New Comment:

Comments

Husband wants to be affirmed.

Hi Samuel. As the betrayed I have watched many of your video’s to try and understand my husbands mind for doing what he is doing. We are separated and he has carried on with his affair for over a year. He doesn’t live with her but won’t let go either to come back to the marriage. I thank you for being so open and honest about your struggles and marriage. I pray that one day I too can have a story of redemption as my husband is “stuck” being stuck. It is very true when you say it’s easier not to have to deal with the realities marriage brings. That is what I see my husband is doing. Thanks again for your authenticity. It is appreciated.

carmen03...

there are days when it's tough to do these vlogs and you wonder if they do much for people, then you get comments like this.  thank you so much for sharing and commenting, and of course, for watching.  thank you for that.  means a ton that you'd take time to comment and compliment me.  thank you so much.  

Timely even for us 4+ years post initial D-Day...

Samuel thank you for shining a light on the truth of our own egos. This video made me reflect on how fragile and vulnerable our egos really are. With being wrapt up in child bearing and rearing Men's egos get totally ignored as do the women's. When the low hanging fruit comes along and feeds into the need to be worshipped POW there goes the destruction of the the marriage and simultaneously the women's/bertrayed's ego and self esteem. After several D-Days, relapse, trickle truth, Harboring hope online, live x2, EMS live in 2015 and several $1000s in therapy, we still struggle with this dynamic in our marriage that still remains like a cancer that if not addressed can continue to grow. As we age and our children, the marriage absolutely needs to address this root of desire and feeling desired. Esther Perel hits it the nail on the head: Can anyone be 100% at fault when an affair occurs? Child rearing absolutely drains that Desire/Desirability woohoo factor in a marriage that started off as an incredible attraction. True, mature love requires more than just that sexual and psychic desire. I have now come to believe that the self Love, the inner God IAM love is where we must draw from if we are ever going to truly be 2 servants in Love. IN LOVE has taken on a different meaning now, post infidelities, post deceptions, post betrayals and through forgiveness, through Grace, through Mercy and only through the mystery of Hope can we truly feel that healing, I think too hormonal upheavals need to be addressed in both men and women and how it correlates to depression and extramarital behavior for both Men and Women at the varying stages of our lives. Thanks again Samuel and AR team. Great work you guys are doing to address this human preventable disease that is so traumatic for so many people.

thank you acemom....

thanks for sharing my friend.  i know it's tough and it's a process and for some it's hard as hell and takes time and incremental growth.  i appreciate you being on the site and providing feedback and thoughts.  it means a ton.  thank you for that.  i'm glad you're staying strong and till here.  i'll share the feedback with the team for sure.  you're a survivor.  you're tough.  you've got grit and you'll get through this, live to tell about it and continue to be a great friend and encourager to so many. 

 

Thank you

Thank you for being faithful in posting your blogs. I am not sure how much work goes into doing these. I wish others were as faithful as you in posting.
It took my husband about a year to say it was the undivided attention and escape from reality that kept the affair going for as long as it did.

However I do have a question, you have mentioned in several blogs that you felt like you were treated as a child. My husband has said that to. My reply to him is when you are refusing to accept household responsibilities (paying the bills, taking out the trash, being the parent, etc,) I had no choice but to step up and do it all. I know I treated him as a child, but it was his behavior that dictated my response. He will now say well I know I did not go enough, but has yet to say I can see where my behavior and me ducking my responsibilities caused you to have to step up and "adult" for both of us.

Questioning language choice

When you talk about warnings, you say a warning is when Samantha’s behavior is contemptuous and yours is merely unloving. Is this choice of language the truth, gender biased, or minimization of her behavior versus yours?

Sorry, a minimization of your

Sorry, a minimization of your behavior versus hers. Not the other way around. Contemptuous is much stronger than unloving.

it's from love and respect....

love and respect by emmerson eggerichs talks about when a husband feels disrespected/contempt from his spouse he pulls away and feels distant.  when a wife feels a significant lack of love and connection with their spouse, a wife feels hurt, wounded and it's a warning sign for her that something's not right, we're not right and we have to get back to some basics in recovery and our overall marriage.  if you haven't read the book, it may not make sense so my apologies if it was out of context, but for us, it's very contextual.   when she feels unloved, it's not good at all.  when i feel disrespected it's not good at all.  

Ems werkend

I don't know how else to reach you and I am trying to learn about the ems weekend. Do you work them as well? I really wish my husband would take an interest in your vlogs. They are amazing and you help with the understanding so well. Thank you.

hi there...you can email me...

barbara 234, i'm sorry. we don't monitor the comments too closely on weekends and it looks like your comment came through on a weekend.  if i'm wrong, i'm very sorry.  you can email me at samuel@hope-now.com and i'd be happy to chat.  hope that helps you.

 

 

Thank you

I cannot express enough the sincere appreciation that I have not only for myself but also my husband as we recently began this journey. You provide such a valuable insight that therapists have lacked. Your programs and videos are very informative and SO helpful in recovery for us and for us to have a better understanding and ability to see our situation more objectively. This video especially was helpful for me in an understanding and explanation of the "why". Thank you SO much! Keep up the wonderful personalized vlogs, messages and course offerings. Take care <3

you're very kind....thank you so much...

i'm so glad you found us and are here.  thank you for taking the time to encourage me and share such great feedback.  

I agree, but I think you left an important point out..

I think you are very on point in this, like all of your vlogs. They are tremendously... helpful would be too light of a word.

Tow places I believe this falls short is in noting that you also were not meeting your wife's needs and she was also in a marriage that was experiencing difficulties, thus if that is a reason for vulnerability then she should have been having an affair. It's more in the person than the relationship with the marriage. The other point is the build up from the adultery partner is a lie. Whatever they are saying (great dad, your wife doesn't know how good she has it, she takes you for granted, you are such a good man. Etc.) once that line is crossed even at the inappropriate friendship.. by that act alone, you are not longer any of those things. I would even go to say you are now the worst of those things you have ever been. So the things that are used to connect and build you up are nothing but lies used to feel good without having to earn any of them.

Just my two cents

Thank you for all you do and all the time you put into these. They really are invaluable and are some of the. Eat things I have found on this subject. I am sorry your family has had this scar and thank you for using it to help others have a chance at understanding it all.

I see your point...

I am new to joining Affair Recovery and this is the 3rd video I have watched. It spoke volumes to me. It sounds so much like our story except unlike Samantha our children are all young adults and onky 1 lives at home. But we have 5 pets, I work a full-time and part-time job. One requires me to be out of the home up to 10 hours per day and the other 1-4 hours per night/day throughout the week. I tried to work when he wasnt home, after he went to bed, or weekends when he was otherwise occupied (gym, watxhing sports, etx.). I thiught I showed my hisband how much I cared through actions/services. Cooking evey night. Making his lunches. Setting out his meds and vitamins every day. Bringing him his dinner when he got home. Supporting him in his decisions about work, etc. We had sex but he was having some difficulties so I felt his frustration and thought if I intiated it would add to his frustration. So it wasn't as much as I wanted. I was taking care of his daily needs but definitely not his ego. I was too tired and felt unappreciated myself. He retired from military service but had trouble deciding what to do next. I was supportive of any choice he made but also frustrated with him deciding to choose a job that took him away from home. Leaving all the daily responsibilities to me. He was providing financially but that seemed to be all. He was unhappy with himself and everything we had....it wasnt good enough. I was angry because at this point in our lives I thought he should be happy with all we had. Most people wanted everyrhing we had but it wasnt enough for him. We still had date nights/weekends and took the time several times a month to do things just the 2 of us. Usually we enjoyed ourselves and I would feel at least for a few days that all was good in the world. So many people thought we had it all and were the perfect couple. They even said so. Yet we weren't. Even though I knew we were not perfect I never thought he would cheat. I had just as many reasons as him to do so and opportunities but it was the last thing on my mind. We are 73 days post D-Day and when he told me why he did it he said it was because she made him feel like "all that" that yes he was selfish but that the only thing he can describe is it's like having a new car and one that thinks you are the greatest thing ever. I know she did because I knew all about the friendship and he even admitted she had a crush on him. He told me this right before the affair started and acted like he was flattered but not interested. He wasn't attracted to her physically and now questions how he let himself go that far. I feel foolish that even though I knew her texting and messaging him was too much I still never thought the relationship had crossed the line. I questioned things but he had good answers. It lasted for 7 months with him even traveling several weekends to see her. Since we had friends in that area and he had reasons to go there I should have realized. I even remember asking if he saw her (since they were friends now) and he always said no that he was busy doing this or that. He even sent me texts and called sevwral times a day when he was fine. She even made a visit to our hometown and even home while I was out of town. Our daughter almost caught her at my house And my husband swears nothing physical happened. I think it's because our daughter came home but he says he would not have done that here. Yet knowing she has been in my house even for a short period angers me. That it was here at all crossed a line for me. They did have a sexual relationship too even though he had the same difficulties with her. It still shocks me that he went to such lengths to see her. But this video validates the whole "escaping reality" reason. Boy wouldnt I have loved to escape too!!! And even though this video and my therapist have confirmed what he says I am still angry that he was so weak and selfish to let his ego lead him into such a betrayl. It worries me that it could happen again in the future becaue life doesn't allow everyday to be a honeymoon.
Anyway, I got off the subject. Like I said I see your point but even though the video didn't address that Samantha had just as much cause or right to cheat it is a given. As far as the compliments from the affair partner...you're right. I have thought the same thing. How could she say all these great things about him...talk about our children with him...and his life and not know deep down that if he was cheating and lying and hiding their relationship that he wasn't so amazing after all. I do know he is a good man thiugh and yes he did make a HUGE mistake but he is working toward OUR recovery so I'll continue to work on our marriage too. Thank you for these videos, articles, and support. I have no one but my therapist to talk to and it's sad but good to know I am not alone.

im so glad you found the videos and are here

thank you for posting and commenting.  i'm sorry for the delay but the holidays make it difficult to respond.  at any rate, thnk you for your comments and posting.  i know it's tough to wrap your mind around right now and i'm sure it's hard to see things this way, but there will be another vlog out soon on self acceptance and how we usually do not have a strong sense of self acceptance, which leads to cheating, flirting, acting out, to feel that sense of self love and validation.  it's usually a gaping hole though from wounding.  i'm sorry it's so tough, but i hope we and the video blog help you cope with this pain. thanks again for posting.

 

trying to be more positive about Him BUT

I appreciate the time and effort that you have put into these vlogs. I find them very insightful.
I have heard/read numerous times how the unfaithful spouse is getting more affirmation, more positive interaction, more encouragement from the AP than their spouse and that's a big part of WHY they cheat. Yes, I had a lot going on in my life, just as many stressors as he did and by no means was he providing me with any of those things he so desired. However, I did not cheat. I know - it has been said a few times already and yes he has problems getting older and wants worshipful flattery.

But now that I KNOW how much he has lied and deceived me, how he used the very things that were supposed to HELP us to keep having his affair, I find it very difficult to find anything positive about him. I do not feel he deserves any over the top flattery. He has left US with a financial mess that I am working hard to sort out. I do not see a reason to compliment him on anything. Do I need to come home and have a "celebration" because he cut the grass? I go to work every day too. Should I get some round of applause every time I come home?

Is there any recommendation for how to "provide" this bigger, greater emotional support now that we know the truth about how their actions do not warrant anything close to what the AP was providing?

Right now, 2+ yrs after D-Day, this is a place I struggle in recovery. Again, I appreciate all that you do in these vlogs. Sometimes I disagree sometimes I cry but I always learn. Thanks