Q&A How Do I Love Her through Her Controlling Issues While Still Maintaining My Sanity?

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Question: 

In the codependency lessons you talk about just being there out of love for my wife. But there are times when she begins to put the clamps back on me and wants total control. I can’t even look in the direction of another woman, much less hold a door open for them in public, or speaking kindly without her flooding. She sets unrealistic boundaries of what I need to do to make her feel safe. This creates a wall inside of me that wants to run, so I shut down, and the vicious cycle starts all over. My wife is in Harboring Hope and I am hoping she will start to correlate that maybe she has some of these codependent tendencies to change me to fit the mold of her wants and needs so she can be happy. I agree we both have codependency issues. I am constantly buying her things to make sure I feel she loves me but I also feel like I do not control her at all. I don't ask anything of her except a little respect and love. I feel her love comes with conditions. I understand my infidelity plays a role in this but the other terms and conditions of controlling my life, not allowing me some leisure time without total breakdowns, speaking in general conversation to other women without her thinking I am having sexual thoughts, boundaries to make her feel safe but inhibit me from running the business in an efficient manner, etc. How do I love her through her controlling issues while still maintaining my sanity?

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