Self Pity: Part 2

Samuel continues his video series on self pity with a pointed discussion and how it can diffuse momentum in restoration and personal recovery following infidelity and affairs.

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Kick the but out

That's my takeaway from this - to try to kick my own but out of my marriage. As a betrayed, I want to highlight, draw big red circles around and point giant flashing arrows at this vlog, for my spouse. That's not my job. If God wants him to see it, He'll see to it. My job is to point those flashing arrows in my direction, so I can use the light to see my own areas that need improvement. One of those areas is kicking my but to the curb, along with the rest of the waste.
Jesus said it another way- take the log out of your own eye before trying to help someone with a splinter in their eye.
So, here goes- yeah, I may have contributed to his pain, BUT... I can't do anything about what he did, I can't make him think or feel a certain way, BUT I can try to do better myself, accept responsibility for my own behavior then, and now. I'll try to keep my but to myself, and not in my marriage.
The BUT stops here!

I think this is what is going on with her now

Samual,I wrote to you about my wife's stonewalling now I think it took two of these Vblogs to figure it out. Pity party. If you go back to stonewalling I replied with more information after I was told of new information. I Don't know how to get her out of it. To do the work on herself. I asked her mother what reason does she say when she says she wants divorce. Her mom says she says "I deserve to be happy". I also know now for certain as she is not a techie and accidentally for got to log out of messenger and i was able to read up on some of her exchanges with her Energy friends. Not good, "he is just trying to win you back, he hasn't changed" This was due to my wife finally questioning all this shit she has stirred up in her family and the mistake it is to pursue the AP again has left everyone pissed at her except these other Friends. but her friends sent her a link to how to know if your decision is in your highest good you tube link. Then I don't know what her response was but 4 days later it seems she was contacting the AP in our house with my autistic son by her side and my two older boys in the adjoining room to the shared bathroom. I caught her doing this and assertively said if you are going to do that I will not have my kids subjected to that. I said since I cannot force you to leave the house while you carry on your affair I will take the kids and leave to your parents house. That got her attention. but of course she said I was raging when I said it. I pointed out that i wasn't even close to rage. I said if you remembered some of our earlier arguments about her affair many of those ended up with me in rage. I could see the look on her face that she knew i was right and she was wrong. She has even gone as far to say that she doesn't want to lose custody of more than 50% of the kids. Who does that? THe AP is not going to marry her and doesn't want 4 kids and plans to travel the world in two years and move to Peru. This guy attachment avoident i am almost sure. He married a narcissist or so he has told my wife and she cheated on him after 7 years of marriage and never stopped seeing the AP and divorced him. He has strings of friends but no long term relationships since his divorce 8 years ago so the wife says. So she is even saying how she could basically have two happy years and throw away the future with me or have have a long marriage with no joy. I know this is just her talking at that particular point in time but it has the smacking of a huge pity party.

confused man.....tough for sure

hello my friend. it's tough for sure. she's not in her right mind that's pretty obvious. sorry if this is repeat info, but have you listened to Rick's description about limerance? you can listen here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/radio/limerance in many ways it sums up her chaotic and nonsensical behavior. it's like a drug in her mind and she needs her fix. a text. a call, etc you name it, it's what she needs in her mind and brain. i think playing a hard, but gracious line is the way to go. these articles may help in terms of getting her to cooperate: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling it seems as though you've gotten her attention. will she do ANY work at all ? would she attend a weekend? or online course? or? anything at all? if we can get her to do 'something' that may be a gateway to going deeper ya know? I'm sorry i don't have more definitive help or suggestions but maybe this info will help you.

For sure limerance

She has said she will do nothing to reconcile I wanted to do the EMS in November a big emphatic no. I tried to even get her to do the free boot camp for seven days after about three days we did day one. After about two weeks I said have you done day two so we did that. By that point I had finished and she was on day three and never got any farther. I have actually once about two weeks ago said I would give he a divorice if she would attend s seminar just to see if I can get her to move away from these friends who are 15 years younger and are at much different points in there lives then I am. I have mostly healed and can hold space if she continues the PA while we are still married I have told her I will divorice. I cannot get her to be circumspective of her own failings and fears without this guy. I. Will check out the link.

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