Q&A Is It Necessary to Wait until I No Longer Have Feelings for the AP to Reconnect with My Wife?

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Question: 

I am the wayward spouse. I had 2 affairs over a 3 year period. My affairs were both emotional and physical. I’m struggling to disconnect emotionally from the affair partner. One of the things we are really struggling with is a kind of Catch-22. My wife feels like she can't reconnect with or open up to me until I'm "over" my AP and have no more feelings for her. It's hard for me to forget about her or pine for her when almost every interaction with my wife is so full of pain and anger and blame. We are currently separated and have been for several months. I have done everything I know how to do to give my wife the safety she needs, but she still feels unsafe because of my emotional connection to the AP. My wife is understandably very angry at the AP. My wife wants me to speak negatively about the affair partner but I can't do that in honesty. I'm working to see the AP relationship more clearly. It's hard not to feel lonely and pine for the good feelings and real connection I had when I was in communication with the AP.

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