I Don't Get to Decide How Fast My Betrayed Spouse Heals

Samuel shares more of his own story and how rushing Samantha never worked.

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Children forgiving and Healing.

Could you possibly do a post about children forgiving, healing and boundaries when reconciliation does not happen. Especially when betrayer marries the affair partner.

happy to work on it.....

thank you for posting. 

Forgiveness vs reconciliation

Samuel, more than once in today’s video you said the betrayed spouse gets to decide if they want to forgive and reconcile. I have read and heard repeatedly from your website that you can forgive but not chose to reconcile. What if you want to forgive but what someone did was too egregious and contrary to your values and morals that you can’t reconcile within yourself to stay with them without feeling like they are betraying themselves ? How does someone get past that? Despite the fact that my spouse is working hard at his recovery and desperately wants to reconcile I am struggling with this.

i'll work on that....great suggestion....

i'll see what I can do.  thank you for watching and posting. 

Thank you

Samuel, I watch so many of your videos on YouTube, and find them helpful in so many ways. My life has been in turmoil the past year, and I won't lie, I've made 4 unsuccessful suicide attempts in recent months, hopelessness has been my only friend. Today was a horrible day for me, and I was sinking back into a really bad place, ready to make another attempt honestly. I watched a video of yours that popped up as recommended, it was about hopelessness. Your words literally saved me today. I've been looking for a way just to thank you, and posting this here is the best I could come up with. I hope you see it and realize that you really do help. I don't know how much worse things would be for me if I hadn't found the video blogs you put out. Thank you so much.

i'm so sorry...

Robertt....i'm so sorry for the pain you're in.  I know it well and I know the desire to want to end it all as well.  it's palpable my friend.  however, youre life is more than this moment.  your life is more than the pain you're feeling now.  you need help my friend.  have you talked to a therapist or trusted individual face to face?  who do you have in your life you can rely on brother?  i get the pain.  i really do.  you need support around you. 

thank you so much for the kind words.  it's email like these that I get that change my life believe it or not and it's messages like these which give me the courage to keep going and keep doing all i can to help those in crisis.  i'm so thankful for you. 

My family and friends mostly

My family and friends mostly abandoned me for refusing to leave the situation, even the pastor at my church stopped. I guess they blamed me for trying, and maybe they were right. The first attempt at therapy was with a marriage therapist with over 20 years experience, and that ended horribly. I've recently started individual therapy, and my therapist is getting ready to do EDMR therapy with me. The situation is horrid, and unfortunately too abnormal to find help from even the online classes on this site. It's been tough to even find a therapist that's not just telling me to leave. I hope someday we can get the funds for an EMS weekend,
although it's probably too much for even that. Your videos though, I'm always able to find at least a little bit to take away from each one. If nothing else they make me feel less alone, more normal... human. Thank you again for what you do

makes it all worth it...

thank you robertt...means so much to hear you say that.  it's a prayer and hope of mine that i do in fact help people feel more normal, less alone and less crazy.  so very glad I could help in some small way. keep going my friend.  don't give up on you and your own healing. 

makes it all worth it...

thank you robertt...means so much to hear you say that.  it's a prayer and hope of mine that i do in fact help people feel more normal, less alone and less crazy.  so very glad I could help in some small way. keep going my friend.  don't give up on you and your own healing. 

How to prove

Hi; I have a huge problem and I dont know how to solve this. I've cheated on my boyfriend a year and a half ago. We've been trying to work things out and very slowly theres progress but suddenly two days ago he said he has decided to not let what happened go. He said he doesnt want to move on from what happened. He said it's to remind himself of what the kind of person I can be. Also, I fell asleep two nights ago and he called me on WhatsApp and apparently my WhatsApp stated that I was on another call eventhough I wasn't. I was asleep. I googled it and the same thing has happened to so many people and so many people broke up because of this same reason can you imagine??? How can I prove to him I was really just asleep? I'm sorry this is kind of a mess.

Thank you so much for your time

Hi Samuel,

Hi Samuel,

I've been watching your videos for weeks and have just signed up for the H4H course.

I completely feel like what you're saying in this video as my wife and I are currently physically separated, living in 2 apartments. I have no idea whether she is doing anything to heal or talking to anyone because she told me that she didn't want anyone to know about my infidelity. We've made significant progress in terms of communication and seeing each other. It's like we are dating all over again. However, she has not spoken about how she's feeling and what she's thinking about the whole situation. We are at week 8 since D day. At the beginning, we hardly ever spoke, and we have been separated for 6 weeks. We had a few emails/texts here and there, then in the last 2/3 weeks, a lot more calls/texts and also seeing each other at least once or twice a week for meals. But the only thing we've discussed about "us" is she asked me how therapy was. And when I asked about how she was doing, all she said was, I'm okay. Now I would like to suggest to her to take a look at the AR website but I don't know whether she will feel like I am pressuring her or if I'm trying to tell her how to heal. So I am at a loss as to how I can be there for her healing and to be there for her when she doesn't even open up about her feelings. I can understand that she is deeply hurt, and may not want to show her vulnerability to me and is pretending like everything is alright. So what to do?

i would....

do all you can to heal on your own and get healthy my friend.  i would go slow and mention to her you're using a site you really enjoy that has helped you see far more clearly.   i would simply tell her that there is a ton of help for betrayed spouses if she is open to it and tell her what the site is.  whatever she does with it is up to her, but it's not pressuring her to simply mention it to her and tell her about it.  i would also commit to doing all your work and allowing her to dictate how fast or slow things go.  certainly reciprocate to her calls/texts, etc, but go slow and maintain safety.  to me, i would make sure everything you do or say is commiting to show her your safe and that she can take all the time she needs to heal.