Q&A What Do You Call This Behavior?

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Question: 

My husband and I are currently separated. After the 2nd D-Day, my husband sent me a six-page letter listing every fault I have and everything I have ever done wrong in the relationship. When we went to couples therapy, he would frequently talk about and hint at this list of things about me he wanted to bring up. The couples therapist even became frustrated with him always mentioning “the list”, but was then was never prepared to share it in session. When we do talk, he will say things of like “you think you are infallible or you think you are perfect.” He will also use occasions when we do interact to bring up things I did wrong in the past and relishes nit-picking anything I do to show where I may have made mistakes (real or imagined) or to show that “you keep secrets too or you withhold information”. My husband is a gaslighter. He has admitted to that and two different therapists have confirmed that he has been gaslighting me from the 1st d-day. But I don’t know what the name or term is for this other behavior so I can research and understand it better? I don’t think it is gaslighting. As you know infidelity is a huge hit to your self-esteem and his continued behavior is hindering efforts I am making to try and rebuild it.

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