Q&A What Might It Take for My Heart to Stop Aching and Me to Be Truly 'All In'?

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If acceptance is required as a prerequisite to forgiveness, does forgiveness mean the pain then stops? Is it that the wound has not been 'touched' enough? If the pain is still present, does it mean I have not truly forgiven? We are 20 months out from D-Day, have taken EMSO, we are in MFL, he is taking hope for healing, week five and I am just beginning Harboring Hope. We are both in IC and in marriage counseling. He is in AA and Celebrate Recovery. I practice presence and mindfulness to redirect intrusive thoughts. I am moving on with my life of work, volunteerism etc. His infidelity spanned twenty seven of the thirty nine years of our marriage. I have accepted what he did even though I don't believe I will ever truly understand it in my heart--I accept it. I have great empathy for his childhood attachment traumas. I even have empathy for the broken person I know his AP is. None of this seems to end the pain. My head 'gets it', my heart does not. Perhaps it is his continuing inability to express empathy, validate my pain, grieve and express true remorse, even though I recognize all his coursework seems to indicate he wants to heal. He says he wants us--has always wanted us. He so often remains mired in shame. What might it take for my heart to stop aching and me to truly be 'all in'?



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