Q&A Will I Ever Feel Okay in My Own Skin Again?

My husband revealed an affair with my best friend prior to our marriage over 20 years ago. It was physical and emotional and neither told me anything nor did I have any idea it had happened. She was in our wedding party and continued to be a very big part of our life. He also had a brief affair with a married women. He was very good a fooling me and all our friends and family, this behavior is so shocking no one knew he was capable of anything like this. We are 1 year from D day and I still feel absolutely destroyed. I feel like our entire marriage had been a lie. He has lied to me every day for 21 years. He knew how I felt about infidelity prior to acting out and he knew without a doubt if I knew I would never have married him so he lied over and over again but never considered not acting out. He took my chance of having a faithful, honest and loving husband from me. Now I feel I have to stay because I have children with him and I took vows therefore this is my reality and I have to make it work. However I feel I truly hate myself and life because of his choices, were it not for the children I would be gone without a doubt. I feel disgusted with myself for staying with someone who clearly never put me first in his life when he pretended so convincing and easily. Will I ever feel okay in my own skin again?