Are you a betrayed partner reeling from infidelity, looking for signs to see if your unfaithful mate is taking steps to be safe? Have you ever wondered about what the markers of safety in affair recovery might look like in the first place? There are signs to look for that not only create a sense of safety between partners, but make the painful but necessary recovery process that much easier to wade through. Today you'll hear Samuel speak first to you, the betrayed partner, as he lays out signs that your spouse or partner may be unsafe. Samuel will then offer important insight for the unfaithful to use as a guidepost as they help and support their mate, who is in crisis from betrayal trauma. The good news is, while there is no easy button or silver bullet...
It's hard not to think of kids playing, grouped on opposite sides of a thick rope, muscling as hard as they can to overtake the other group and pull them over a line on the ground, when you hear "tug of war." It can sometimes last a little while, or it can end in a split second. I wish betrayal could be that easy. One side wins and it's done, and everyone goes off to play. It's not that easy though, in any situation. Most of the time, there is a winning side and a losing side.
When someone experiences betrayal it is an absolute world-collapsing, heart-exploding, shocking event, even a Richter scale would probably self-destruct. It is an overwhelming, life changing, confusing, emotional roller coaster of nausea and can take your breath away. Why I mention tug of war, is because of all the things we thought we ever knew or couldn't imagine, we come across one of the...
Early on after discovery or disclosure of infidelity, it seems normal, and even expected, that the unfaithful is overwhelmed with grief, despair, and even shame. Then, enough time transpires and they are seemingly paralyzed by these emotions and more, leaving them self-absorbed and wallowing in their own pain. The difficulty arrives when the betrayed partner begins to wonder, when will they show remorse for what they've done, and for how their choices have affected their loved ones? To the untrained, inexperienced ear, the unfaithful's words and actions can seem normal, acceptable and even healthy. However, to the expert, it is apparent that the unfaithful is trapped inside their own self-preoccupation, alienating themselves from their betrayed partner, family, and close friends. It's essential that the unfaithful partner learns...
After an affair, the unfaithful party can struggle with a tremendous amount of confusion and disorientation. Of course we know the betrayed can feel this way as well, but today Samuel is going to focus on a discipline that all wayward spouses can learn from: the view from the bottom. Borrowed from a commentary by Richard Rohr, Samuel shares the need for the unfaithful party to adopt and practice humility, both in their approach to life in general, and especially toward their betrayed partner and children. From attitudes of entitlement to self-preoccupation, unfaithfuls make the same mistakes time and time again, and it only sets them, and their relationships, back in spades. Listen today as Samuel shares hope for those who are trying to find a...
The gift of grace to a guilty and shame-ridden soul is humbling. Once given, the receiver has the choice to cherish it and henceforth act in a way that expresses gratitude, or take advantage of it through a selfish entitlement that overlooks the sacrifice and kindness with which it was given.
The grace that my husband has given me throughout recovery has been vital to the survival of our marriage. His ability to extend chance after chance for me to get better or do things right has been numerous, and has come at his own expense time and time again. Through each extension of grace, he has offered me trust that I haven't earned, and hope that has no basis in my past actions. He chances disappointment with each offering that is not taken, and then sadness when I waste these gifts in favor of my...
Making peace with our own past after an affair or addiction can seem impossible. Enter infidelity, and both partners can feel as though they are on an island, with no one to help support them and no one to make sense out of their pain, shame and hopelessness. However, as not only a survivor of infidelity but a healing guide, Samuel discusses an eye-opening experience he had that prompted both the need and the plan to make peace with his own troubled past. Today, Samuel provides direction, perspective and hope for those trying to make sense out of the collateral damage that has enveloped their lives.
People who have lost a loved one often ask me, "How do you understand so much about grief?" I suppose, before I lost my dad, it looked to the world like I really didn't know much about grief. The truth is, that's because as a society we often only judge a person's grief or ability to understand grief by the losses that fit into our prescribed "big" and "normal" categories. Everything else gets brushed under the rug. There is an overall general understanding and compassion for these big catastrophic losses, like the death of a parent or child, but even these losses are often categorized or minimized.
What about all of the hidden, silent grief that can be just as impactful, just as big, just as life-changing, but gets glossed over in our society? The grief in these instances can be...
Trying to save a relationship after an affair or addiction can be confusing, frustrating and downright excruciating. We often hear leaders or experts in the recovery process say that both couples and individuals need to do 'work' in order to heal and give the relationship a fighting chance. We also hear that, regardless of the status of the relationship, both unfaithful and betrayed partners need to do their own work. But, what is this 'work' they seem to be referring to? What does this 'work' look like specifically, on a grassroots level? Today Samuel shares examples of what this type of work looks like, and what is required to heal from life-changing trauma like infidelity and/or addiction.
There I was having to answer my own question, why is my jaw hurting again? Not only have I been grinding my teeth like before, but hate has a hold on me, again. It's been some years, but not long enough. A familiar pain revealed itself, as if getting punched dead in the face.
If you've ever been hit or had an accident where your head is involved, it's a startling flash of light, temporary blindness, confusion, and undeniably searing yet numbing pain. You come to, and realize you have just been hit hard! It's confusing at first. A shock. Then when reality kicks in, anger is almost automatic. At least it was for me.
The last D-Day was no exception. The first one was a train wreck and a domino effect of doom in years to come. Essentially, nothing ever got fixed the first time. All I did was hate and deepen my...
After infidelity or addiction is revealed in a relationship, business travel can sometimes be an unavoidable trigger, especially when the one traveling was also the unfaithful. Professionals such as airline pilots, for example, cannot avoid travel as part of their job, leaving the betrayed partner behind to worry and wonder what their mate is doing on the road. If you have been unfaithful but are now committed to recovery, there are some important steps you'll need to take in order to stay safe, accountable, and connected while away from home.
For addicts in particular, it is imperative to develop your travel plan before you leave for your trip, and go over your plan with others who are in recovery to double-check for any weaknesses or opportunities to act...
