The foundations of any healthy, life-giving marriage or long-lasting relationship are built in humility, compassion and self-sacrifice, (just to name a few). The antithesis of these is something called “destructive entitlement.” Believe it or not, after the disclosure of infidelity or addiction, one or both spouses can feel destructively entitled to various ways of handling the pain, trauma, and of course, perceived abandonment and rejection. The truth is, most marriages can be saved after this life-altering disclosure. The other half of that truth is that not all spouses are willing to do what it takes to see the marriage or relationship healed and restored.
When a spouse or partner falls into the trap of destructive entitlement, the foundation of repair work crumbles rapidly. For restoration to thrive after infidelity, both parties must...
“Somewhere along the way in my own journey, I realized I was abandoning myself. With help from a few infidelity experts, I came to a realization that me sacrificing myself was not going to save the marriage.”
The above quote is from a woman I spoke with recently, who wept at the realization that she had abandoned herself in an attempt to save her marriage. While she was constantly trying to do whatever it took to save the marriage, her spouse was not all in. He wasn’t even half in, if you will.
For many who are trying to save their marriage, the thought of losing their significant other is excruciatingly painful and traumatic. But, one party’s efforts alone cannot save the relationship after infidelity. Along the way of...
Part 1: How to Reengage Part 2: The Importance of Cherishing
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This 13-week online course for couples provides community, guidance, and expertly developed tools for healing. This is the help you've been waiting for. Don't miss it next month—it sells out quickly!
It takes most couples two years of hard work to sort out the trauma in the body, heart, and mind after the revelation of an affair. While you are on your healing journey, the experience of being together sexually can have a different meaning for...
The affair happens. Maybe the betrayed spouse knows something about it, maybe they don't. In my case, I was very much aware. I asked him about it. Pointedly. Directly. Repeatedly. He lied. He told me I was "crazy," "paranoid," being "ridiculous." He would not tell me the truth. I knew it. He knew it. He knew that I knew it. But, no truth was to be had and we were at an impasse. Maybe you can relate.
Time passed. After an excruciating season, the affair eventually ended. Life went on. We both pretended all was 'normal,' but the secret remained between us, a wall that could not be penetrated and would never fall on its own. We had some good times and some bad times. Life seemed normal. I slowly started to let down my guard. I started to soften toward him, and I wanted to get closer. It felt like we were starting to reconnect and I became hopeful. Then "it" would hit me again, and in my mix of fear and hope I would...
Choosing to move forward after infidelity stretches any strong man or woman to their very core. Today, Samuel shares from his many failures and successes on how he has been able to find hope, healing, and courage to go forward, despite many disappointments and frustrations.
Harboring Hope registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified.
Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it!
Lisa Arends frequently shares her compelling story of her ex-husband divorcing her through a mere text message. What unfolded next was a story fit for the cinema screen. Several years later, Lisa is remarried, pursuing a vibrant career in data science, and impacting the lives of thousands of hurting, betrayed spouses who are looking for the courage to keep going after divorce. Lisa has a knack for encouraging those who are trying to heal, not only in practical ways, but also through expert insight into the mind of the betrayed spouse.
Though traumatized by her ex-husband's modern-day bigamy, Lisa has made the leap to a new career of helping those who can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. One of Samuel's most courageous interviewees to date, Lisa shares hope to find the faith and belief in self to navigate through life and marital transitions.
If you have a heart attack or are diagnosed with cancer, it is treated with seriousness and urgency. No one says "try not to think about it," "focus on good things" or "just let it go." No. The doctor sits you down and refers you to a team of helpful, trained professionals who are lined up to draft a plan with realistic expectations, answer your questions, and assist and support you until you are healed.
The recovery plan is laid out for you. You are given step-by-step instructions and a contact person, or a team of experts, to guide you through it to the end. No one would expect you to know what to do and how to do this; you are not a cardiac surgeon or an oncologist — well maybe you actually are but, for the sake of argument, most of us here on this page are not. In the case of infidelity, however, the road map isn't anywhere near as clear.
After infidelity, when you experience the...
Part 1: Bridging the Gap Between the Unfaithful and Betrayed Spouse Part 2: When Both Spouses Feel Abandoned
During healing from infidelity, attunement is a couple’s best friend. When both spouses are in touch with one another’s inner world and inner pain, oneness is within reach. When one or both spouses feel abandoned in their pain, they have a tendency to become roommates; you stay in your world, I’ll stay in mine, and we’ll just coexist. The end result is separate lives and feeling as though your partner, who you need now more than ever, is a country mile away.
Attunement creates the opportunity to not only draw your partner into your world, but to also display compassion...
Part 1: Interpreting Plateaus in Marriage and Recovery Part 2: Practicing the Process of Marriage and recovery
Hope for Healing Registration Opens Soon!
This 17-week course for unfaithful spouses offers community for isolation and healing for shame, and that's just the beginning. Sign up below to be notified of upcoming open registration periods! Please note: it typically sells out in 1-2 hours!
What makes a good marriage?
Many marriage researchers use a term "masters of relationship." What does that really mean?
Are great marriages born out of dumb luck or just reading a book or attending six premarital sessions before you say, "I do"?
Cognitive Psychologist, K. Anders...
When we allow our inner world to resonate with our partner’s inner world, we can discover a new level of empathy, oneness and overall reconciliation. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this concept "attunement". When we feel heard by our partner, and our inner pain is not only validated, but connected, we feel heard. We feel seen. We feel as though they "get" us, and their own individual walls of justification and resentment begin to come down.
Attunement creates movement in recovery work unlike almost any other concept, variable, or tool. When utilized by the unfaithful spouse, the betrayed can feel as...
