I hate the word. I hate the feeling. I am guessing for most of you reading this, you have more than a vague idea of what this word does to a human being and how it can be one of the most destructive forces on the planet.
Sure, I can sit here and look back on my life and the things that happened before I had a choice in the matter. Reflect on the things that helped shape my heart into a giant bucket of shame. But the reality is I took shame, let it have authority over me, and ran with it most of my life.
Shame can have many definitions and I'm certain it can have different faces for different people. For me, it has mostly felt like a pit in the deepest parts of my heart (and more tangibly my stomach and my throat) that...
Samuel discusses when and how to use an ultimatum in recovery work.
Samuel shares hope and tangible encouragement for those struggling to find hope.
A good friend of mine, and fellow betrayed husband (yes, we met at an EMS weekend), coined it best when he said, "This isn't highs and lows; it's chutes and ladders." All of us on this journey have experienced the hope generated by progress. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the bottom falls out and in the moment all hope seems lost.
I am now 16 months out from my first D-Day, 9 months from my last, and if there is one word that can describe the spot I seem to circle when the chutes open underneath me, it's "disorienting". I understand what happened. My wife is doing the hard work of self-discovery: linking childhood abuses to her adulterous behavior, showing empathy and remorse, leading classes, and attending volumes of counseling. I have grown from someone who was convinced that I had never met a shrink who didn...
Samuel shares a significant pointer for the unfaithful spouse trying to win back trust.
For Hope Rising 2018, which is now available On Demand, one of our Survivors, Laurie, wrote a beautiful and profound Apology Letter delivered to the betrayed men at the conference. Samuel in turn delivered a version of her letter to the betrayed women. Since the conference, we have been flooded with emails requesting a written or recorded version. We are happy to be able to share these powerful words with you today:
When I began thinking about writing this letter to you all, and considering what I wanted to say, God impressed on me to set...
Samuel shares insight into three recoveries that have to be addressed when healing from infidelity.
Today in counseling I was stunned by a concept I’ve heard most my life. Similar to the old quilt that covers our bed, I became so familiar with it I no longer saw the depth of beauty in it.
My counselor asked me how I felt I was doing at “feeling my husband’s pain”. He has a way of asking a simple question and patiently waits for me to take as long as I need to respond. Having been a counselor for over 40 years, he sees right through me and my crap most days.
How am I doing with handling my husband’s pain? You mean the pain I created with MY infidelity?
In the silence of that moment I found myself wanting. I wanted to say that I’ve tried to feel it. I wanted to justify all of the ways I’ve tried to be sensitive and aware of him. I wanted to defend the times I’ve spent the past year trying to be safe for him in his pain. But none of those words came out. Instead I sat and squirmed. More silence. An awkward, heavy, deep-in-my-chest feeling came...
Samuel shares insight into the tactic of 'rewriting history' and how to recover from it.
Samuel discusses the common question in recovery; are we too far gone to be healed?
What Type of Affair Was It?
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