Three Necessary Recoveries of Infidelity

Samuel shares insight into three recoveries that have to be addressed when healing from infidelity.

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Three in counseling for balance

Spot on Samuel... thank you. Three years out, started with marital counseling, and counseling for myself, the betrayed. My UH couldn't get into individual counseling for two months. I felt so lonely trying to deal with the betrayal yet trying to hold the marriage together. As you stated my world was in chaos! I was in counseling, the marriage was in counseling but my UH is on cruise control. Very hard to endure even during that short period of time. You absolutely need all three to be in counseling at the same time. My question to you is I am still in counseling, we just participated in the last EMS weekend, our first phone group session is this evening. We are still trying to find a new marriage counselor and my UH only goes to his individual counselor on a PRN (as needed) basis. Thus far in 2018 he has been to see his counselor maybe 3 times. I am starting to feel very resentful that he is not doing more in individual counseling and he is not working at finding a marriage counselor for us. I found all our past counselors and have backed off. I listened to your videos about taking care of my business, trying to stay on my side of the street. I just don't know how or what I should do at this point in time. Wait until we finish our group workshops to see how this will all play out? Continue to stay on my side of the street? I need, we need the balance but he doesn't see it that way. Do you have any thoughts on this? Thank you for your words of wisdom. Ruth

hi ruth....

for some reason i answered this comment, but it was erased.  we had server issues, so i dunno what happened.  if it shows up twice, then you'll know why.  i think at this point, i would consider doing a few things 1. telling him that you've been to the best in the country and if he's still not going to show initiative, you're not sure you can be vulnerable or continue to do what you're doing if it's no reciprocated.  2. consider getting a follow up session with one of the therapists that worked with you at the weekend and then have them speak to the issue for both of you. you for insight and perspective, he for accountability and a reminder.  3. you may ask him to do the hope for healing course for unfaithful spouses to help him continue in his recovery as that would be a great source of insight and accountability and even motivation for him to do his work. 

 

Thank you Samuel for taking

Thank you Samuel for taking the time to answer my questions. I will share this with my husband and go from there. Loved your video blog on 'ultimatums.' Very insightful, I hope I don't have to resort to that action but have certainly contemplated it because If used, I want to be sure I am strong enough to carry it through.

Request for blog or direction

Hi Samuel. My husband and I have watched almost all of your vlogs; in fact, it was your videos on Youtube that my husband stumbled upon right after I discovered his affairs. Your videos have become a kind of guide to him and I appreciate the way that you connect with those of us affected by affairs, especially the unfaithful who need guidance. This might be a long shot, but I've been searching through the content of your blogs and the content on AR and haven't really found anything that gives advice on how to fight or get rid of or control the nightmares that many betrayed spouses seem to face. They are relentless. I do my best and am pretty successful with fighting through triggers and the floods of emotion day to day, but most nights I literally feel attacked by my own imagination and by these nightmares. Has Samantha found, or has anyone you know found a way to deal with or lessen or even eliminate the nightmares? I've always had dreams and even nightmares in the past, but the ones I have in regards to my husband's affairs are the worst. :( I know you're super busy, so if you can't respond, no worries. Thanks again for sharing such great thoughts and guidance through AR.

hi there...

yes, samantha had a ton of them. visions, nightmares, it was awful.  she couldn't sleep well for about a year or two.  so she found some over the counter stuff, homeopathic stuff to help her sleep. she also went through emdr for trauma and that helped a ton as well.  it's treatment for ptsd or ptsd like symptoms.  it works wonders.  i would definitely try that as well as getting some safe sleep meds.  there's nothing wrong with that at all.  so glad you're here and found the videos.  thank you for your kind words.