Gaslighting and Infidelity: An Interview with a Specialist Part Two

Samuel discusses gaslighting and both the betrayed and unfaithful spouse.

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Gaslighting

Thank you so much for these two interviews. I am one of those betrayed spouses who faced gaslighting by my unfaithful spouse for so long that I began to feel like there must be something wrong with me; I no longer trusted my own ability to determine the truth in a given situation. I also would drive to a parking lot and just sit and weep.
At first, I was energized by my anger toward my spouse and his affair partner; now, I just feel numb and stuck. Hearing these two interviews has helped me gain a better perspective on what may be the “wall” I cannot seem to break through. I believe that “wall” is “why did I allow my spouse to manipulate me in this manner for so long when I knew in my heart he was not being truthful with me.” I believe if we can discover the “why” then we can develop the “how” to overcome this method of handling our relationships with others.
I pray for all who are experiencing this excruciating mental and emotional pain to be able to find the help needed to heal.
Thank you for all you are doing to help us.

Gaslighting to control my feelings

My UH and I experience a cycle of getting nowhere due to gaslighting . Is gaslighting used to control? My unfaithful husband becomes angry, mocks, dumbs down my feelings if I mention the word “ affair “ He uses threats to manipulates whatever way he can to avoid discussions regarding his long affair. These tactics are so forceful to shut me up and shut me down to the point of not being sure who I am , what is truth or untruth? Constantly second guessing my intuitions. He accomplishes his goal every time. Avoidance, denial , refusal to own reality that trauma did occur in our marriage and to me. The elephant sits in every room, present in conversation, daily shared activity, in the silence , in trying to connect again. His anger sets the climate until recently I have owned validation and respect for him and myself. I now tell him , I will not be yelled at any longer. I say firmly , leave now and come back later to converse with me when you have calmed down. It breaks his angered defensive blame game. Even though now he chooses not to come back at all , it’s okay until a shift in one person having all the power diffuses into respect for each other feelings and a new way of communicating without gaslighting techniques. Thank you for educating us on this very difficult abuse. I desire to learn any tools to break this destructive cycle for us both.