Gaslighting and Infidelity: An Interview with a Specialist Part One

Samuel discusses gaslighting and both the betrayed and unfaithful spouse.

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Is it possible for betrayed

Is it possible for betrayed to gaslight unfaithful ?

Absolutely. The specialist

Absolutely. The specialist said we all do it to an extent, usually unknowingly.

Thank you for posting this.

Thank you for posting needed and necessary. I did not have the word for what was happening to me for so long. This video will help many to stay safe.

Adding to fggirl's question

I am also very interested in this. My unfaithful wife claimed post-d-day that I gaslighted her. She wouldn't explain what she meant.

So I’d like to add these questions:

How can we distinguish gaslighting from ongoing arguments and miss-understandings after affair discovery?

Can gaslighting be unintentional?

This may not apply to this

This may not apply to this topic but here goes.
We are two years from d-day one. I do still talk about the affairs a lot (daily). I see how this has kept me stuck as well as our recovery. I found out thema he had been looking up his AP on social media and looking at pornography again. It had been going on for a few months on and off.
His immediate response was that the constant bringing her up was keeping her present in our marriage and he went look out of curiosity, which snowballed into old pattern of numbing out. He says he did t actually feel anything for her. I can understand that what he is saying is true about her staying fresh if I never stop mentioning her, but my disappointment is that he lied covered his tracks and did not use any of the tools he has at his disposal to not go down that path. Is this the “arrogance” of thinking that he has it all under control and can white knuckle it as you say?
Did you have these set backs as well. I find this disappointing and frustrating

it is disappointing and frustrating for sure....

it's normal to feel what you're feeling.  my suggestion would be to get into a long term recovery support plan. something like this course: or our ems weekend:  it's essential he realize he can't fix him or you and you can't fix you or him as well.  you'll need outside expert care.  white knuckling it never works and only ends in frustration and potentially more relapse behavior.   it doesn't have to be this way that's for sure, but it will require sacrifice and humilility for both of you my friend.  so glad you're on the site.


hi there.....

it could be a number of sounds mostly like he just was curious, didn't think he would get caught, and then acted out.  it also appears he needs support so that he's not so alone and not trying to white knuckle it on his own.  has he been doing any recovery work for him?  12 steps?  or our hope for healing course here:   

im so sorry for the delay as i've not been able to keep up but thank you for reaching out for help and insight.


I did go literally crazy. I

I did go literally crazy. I couldn't handle the disconnect between what I felt was wrong (an emotional affair) and the assurances that I had no need to be jealous and had no right to make accusations or demands about that friendship. Because I couldn't deal with reality, I made up a story in my head that my husband was a spy, sleeping with tons of women, and time-traveling so his job would look legit (I could show up at his work and it looked like he really was employed there, and time travel was how I reconciled my story with what I experienced). My psychiatrist diagnosed me with paranoid personality disorder, but what was really going on was that my husband wouldn't let me confront him about the pain he was causing me and my imagination figured out a back alleyway to allow me to deal with the pain I was holding inside. To this day I am on meds (which I do need to maintain my grasp on reality), and he still thinks the friendship was only my made-up problem and not really an affair.


Hello Samuel & Sarah, these two videos have been unbelievably eye opening for me, is it possible to get transcripts of them? Thanks.


thanks for the encouragement

so glad they helped.  very sorry, but we do not have the ability to provide transcripts.


Working definition of

Working definition of gaslighting- 4:10 anytime that someone tries to convince you—pretty much relentlessly—that your perception of reality, your feelings, your opinions, or your beliefs are inaccurate or invalid.

My H has done this so many times to me, and it truly is maddening. I will express a genuine concern or clearly and respectfully articulate my feelings (using care to take ownership by making “*I* feel...” or “I worry that...” statements, not blame him or use black-and-white, all-or-nothing phrases such as “you ALWAYS/NEVER...” but still he would assure me that I was either overreacting or proceed to say how he disagrees and that I am just plain WRONG. Worse yet, he often turned it around and accused ME of bullying or even “actually gaslighting” HIM, and he was a victim all because I “just can’t accept the fact that I actually have an opinion or disagree with you”! I’d try to say that feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. OR he’d say, “well it doesn’t matter how *I* feel.” So maddening!!! I would say, “how are YOU going to try to tell me how *I* really feel? You aren’t me. I’m quite capable of articulating myself, there is no need for you to translate my true thoughts for me.” 😡😡 After the fact, he would say he realizes he was wrong, and That he’s got to learn to just be quiet and listen and let me feel how I feel. But then it would happen again and again.

Thank you so much for

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-D, Texas