Shame vs. Guilt: Why One Heals and the Other Destroys
In Episode 8, we confront one of the most destructive forces in post-infidelity healing: shame. Our expert therapists break down the critical difference between guilt (“I did something bad”) and shame (“I am bad”). We tackle raw listener questions about how to move past the dishonor betrayed spouses experience after discovery, what to do when shame leads to years of lying and how to transition from the paralysis of shame into the transformative power of remorse. No matter what drives your intrusive "I'm not enough" thoughts, this episode provides handles to begin bringing shame into the light.
What type of affair was it?
Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp
Wording
I never use ---and neither does mu therapist use, the word, "wayward " here. We use theses, more accurate words: betrayer, betraying spouse, cheater, or cheating spouse. The person who betrayed isn't a lost toddler or puppy off leash. They are and were an adult with full agency. Can they change and grow? Of course. But let's use correct terminology.
Shame vs. Guilt
I am a past member of Harboring Hope, 4 Weeks of EMS Online, 2 years since DD and 16 months since the death of my spouse of 56 years. The last ten years of marriage consisted of his infidelity with his high school girlfriend and continued lying until 6 weeks before his death. I just finished listening to this podcast and felt compelled to share how thankful I am to AR Staff. The last discussion from a the spouse who told his wife how he loved his AP but realized that it was Limerance, gave me comfort and some empathy for my spouse. The session validated my need to re-read HH and the 4 weeks of EMS as well as look at my true self with acceptance. Thank you
Thank you for sharing this,
In reply to Shame vs. Guilt by Caren F
Thank you for sharing this, and I am thankful you were able to view yourself with kindness and acceptance. There are so many things at work trying to erode our identies, and healing comes in waves and layers. Thank you for contributing to the healing of this community.
Shame vs Guilt
It is different when the betrayed spouse knows what the betrayer did and how the lies, gaslighting, and manipulation took place, but it is all together different when the betrayer is still being manipulated, just in a different way. If the person who betrayed is working through the program and two years has gone by and still communication is ineffective, then something is going on with the betrayer, not the spouse. There is such a thing as manipulating recovery and exploiting the betrayed spouses feelings 'for some end', even if it is to get her to feel shame or get a reaction. It seems to me the betrayer should talk from authenticity, not objective authenticity - two different things. For some reason, the betrayed spouse is seeing with her heart the fancy footwork, something that has wounded her to the core. When she tries to be authentic and the betrayer is taking advantage of this, nothing good will come out of it.
Shame and guilt
In reply to Shame vs Guilt by Cheryl M
Some people don't feel shame and guilt unless needed. High on the narcissistic spectrum which we all have some and people who cheat and gaslight and lie are traditionally high.
If you think you are being manipulated learn some stoic techniques to control your emotions when someone is planting seeds or fishing for what you're thinking but are to scared to be vulnerable and ask.
Add new comment