Are You Trying to Control Your Spouse's Decisions about Infidelity?

Samuel discusses trying to control our spouse's reactions to infidelity and repair work.

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“And I can’t live like that any longer.”

This is really powerful. And eerily applicable today. This is where I am right now. After a year of counseling, buying relationship books, watching videos, reading articles and occasionally suggesting that he might find some of those things useful, I hit a wall last night. Boundaries are still being crossed, truth is still subjective and/or hard to come by, and I feel like I am the only one who cares about working on our marriage.

I’ve been 100% committed for an entire year. Fearful and hurt and broken, but also determined and forgiving and accommodating. After an argument last month where I was called “unsupportive” and pushy, I gave up for awhile. I figured that if this wasn’t the repair work he wanted to do, then I would try doing it his way. Found out yesterday (on a D-day anniversary, so bonus points there) that “his way” included calling the former AP multiple times while he was out of town on a recent weekend.

I get it now. I’ve fought for him, for us, for our marriage for the better part of a year. I’m done fighting for it by myself. I’m done working on it by myself. I’m done hoping that he’ll come around. I will love him forever as my first love, the father of my children and my best friend for 27 years... but I can’t maintain our marriage in a vacuum.

Thank you for putting all of my struggles and emotions into words, Samuel. I can no longer beg or cajole a grown adult into choosing me or choosing our marriage. If he wants it, he can work for it. If he doesn’t, he can go. No hard feelings and no manipulation.

Thank you for your ministry. It is honestly so healing. Even if the healing doesn’t take the form I was hoping for in my marriage, at least I know that someone out there understands my pain and cares enough to address it. And that is invaluable.

i'm so sorry to hear that....

hi there.  thank you for sharing such kind and encouraging words. i'm so sorry to hear that it appears to be heading in the wrong direction, but i'm so so proud of you and your bravery.  it appears that things are clicking in your mind right now.  i've talked to so many who later, though they divorced or even stayed together, they had this kind of moment you're having and started to see that they couldn't make their spouse want them or do the work.....they look back and love the fact that they surrendered and gave up trying to control them and found a new level of healing, freedom and peace of mind.  it's so true.....if they don't want it, then, well, its sad, but it's clear.  i'll be praying for you.  be kind to you today my friend.  you've been through a lot and deserve some love and kindness today.  

Reasons or maybe just excuses I use.

Yep I have done most of what Is mentioned in this blog. I am the betrayed spouse. But what Samuel does not understand is the betrayed spouse that do these thing do them bc they just want the pain to stop. They want to feel
Good about themselves again. They want to be convinced staying was not settling for less than what they are worth of less than they deserve. We can’t go back and change the past but we want to feel like the sacrifice of staying is not taken for granted. And the only way to feel that is to see the work we have requested being done with a willingness and an attitude of thankfulness not being done As if it is some unfair burden of punishment. We want to see and hear communications that say I was broken and I broke everything but I am willing to do the work to figure out WHY I ALLOWED this to Happen. I will do the work To figure out WHAT WAS BROKEN IN ME not to blame life or marital situation for my choice to cheat. Because deep down in our hearts we know if your don’t do the work, if you won’t heal yourself, and if you don’t make the changes we are never really safe and we don’t want to have to end the marriage we fought so hard to try to save bc if the unfaithful doesn’t or won’t do these things then it proves to us that we were never worth it to you and emotionally that puts us dead level with your affair partners. We have only been here to serve your needs, wants, and desires. Or at least that is my story,, or maybe my excuse and justification to still be in a marriage way after I should have left bc of his lack of ability to do things request. He is not cheating but that is not the same as working to heal what has been broken.

i like excuses

you are right. I want to see real effort. The Unfaithful should not stop trying to figure out why they broke everything they say they care so much about now. do the work!

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-D, Texas