Q&A Should I Insist That My Husband Disclose the Affair Partner's Identity?

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Question: 

My husband broke off an emotional and sexual affair and then voluntarily disclosed all of the information I asked, except the AP’s identity. I only know that she is married, has kids, and had contact through his work. He originally made an agreement with the AP not to disclose her name to me. Then, his accountability mentor told him not to disclose her name as a way of protecting me. My husband also says he is protecting our kids by keeping her identity. My husband recently changed jobs. He says he had had no contact with the AP since D-Day. But he has “good memories” of the affair. Sometimes I feel like I can never heal while this secret exists. I feel like he wants to protect her over me and keep their relationship “special.” Other times, I am glad I do not know because I would be haunted with intrusive thoughts, visual pictures, comparisons, and unnecessary anger. I know our healing needs to be about me, him, and us - not her. I have no intention of ever contacting her or exposing her. Should I insist on disclosure of her identity, and what do I do if my husband refuses?

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