Q&A What's the Difference between Feeling Remorse for Causing Me Pain and Having Remorse for Being with the Other Person?

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Question: 

I fear that he feels horrible for doing what he did with her because he was married. But if he wasn’t married she would’ve been his fantasy come true. I am wrong to want both? I want him to be sorry for my pain but also sorry that he wasted time with her on any day in any situation. I fear that he keeps happy memories of her and their sex life. I truly struggle with the thought that he had a fulfilling sex life with someone else. I need lots of confirmation that the sex with her was not great. Of all the parts of the affair the fact he had sex with another woman is the worse part. And the thought that it was fulfilling leaves me feeling inadequate. And when I bring this up to him he often gets cold and shuts down. I’m not sure if that’s his shame, his silence is to not “lie” further or if he is protecting her image or memory. His coldness only triggers more doubt in me and we usually go down a viscous spiral! It has been 18 months since the first D-Day, 1 year since the 3rd D-Day when I learned about the full sex life. We have done lots of work including EMS and continue individual counseling. While they have definitely decreased, I long to be at a place where these thoughts and fears don’t come at all anymore.

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