Q&A Why is she Acting this Way? Should we Work on the Marital Issues Instead of the Infidelity?

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Question: 

We are 5 months past d-day. My wife has threatened to separate and get a divorce many times, typically as a result of something I did or said. She doesn't wear her wedding ring. She is very cold and won't talk about her feelings or even how her day was due to her "protecting" herself from me and my roller coaster of emotions. She claims she isn’t safe around me physically, emotionally, or spiritually. She says I think she is a piece of shit, and she isn't going to allow me to form her opinion of herself anymore. I do not think of her like that, and have never said anything like that, even though I am devastated by the infidelity. She says I am denying the devastation she feels due to me not emotionally supporting her the last three years of our marriage. I've tried to listen, only to be told I'm not hearing her. She isn't open to EMS, and we had our first meeting with a psychologist last week, where she told him that she wanted to leave, but it would kill the kids. She seems to be making me out to be an uncaring monster. Is this expected behavior? I don't know the woman sitting in front of me. Should I work on the issues she in our marriage instead of trying to get her to talk about the affair? We are both in separate counseling. Thank you!! PS, John's men's perspective videos have been great!

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