Q&A Can You Help Me Understand What I'm Dealing With?

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Question: 

You and other infidelity specialists agree that limerence lasts for 2-3 years at the most, right? Well, why did my husband's affair last 5 years? On our 2nd D-Day, which was 8 months after the 1st one, he said he loved her "a little" and that she had "a piece of his heart", but now, almost a year later, says he never loved her and she means nothing to him. He says he loves me and wants me to heal. It's now been 18 months since discovery and he won't talk about the affair at all, except during our weekly marriage counseling session and EMSO. He has a lot of shame and guilt. Every single time I want to talk about things I haven't been allowed to talk about, he says he doesn't want to talk about "her". I don't want to talk about her either, per se, but she was a part of the affair, so... Our marriage therapist thinks he does this because it was much more than just an affair to my husband. He thinks there was deep caring and affection for the AP. Do you think this is probable as well? He's changed a lot in a year and a half for the better, but we have not re-connected physically. It's been nearly a year. He just has no interest. His affair was highly sexual. He used to defend her whenever we would talk about her early on in counseling and our marriage therapist would always tell him you defend that which you care about. Can you help me understand this? What am I really dealing with here?

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