Why Do Some Betrayed Spouses End up Having Affairs of Their Own?

Samuel discusses the sensitive topic of when betrayed spouses have affairs of their own.

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Thank you

Thank you Samuel and Affair Recovery team for discussing this important and quite often neglected topic. Addressing the hurt that make affairs for betrayed spouses so possible is crucial in the healing for the betrayed as well as true restoration of the marriage. I can tell you we are dealing with a more difficult restoration process because of my infidelity, the vulnerability and PTSD it caused and ultimately the relationship my wife got into while we were separated. As usual you were spot on Samuel. God bless you guys.

thank you my friend..

appreciate the kind words and encouragement.  thank you for watching and commenting. 

 

Betrayal

I’m so grateful to see this.
I’m the betrayed and I have expressed this thought to my UH. I don’t trust myself in the slightest to not have that revenge affair.
After finding out that my UH has been in contact with his ex wife, first with a physical affair 9 years into our marriage and now, very recently finding out that they have continued with an EA for the duration of our marriage of 34 years, I DON’T Even TRUST MYSELF going forward with recovery in our marriage. I want to experience the high of being special once again. I want to get dressed up for someone who sees me as special. I want the anticipation of a new experience. The sadness I am experiencing because of this latest disclosure has me wanting to experience “my drug high” of an outside marriage relationship even more.
Please continue to address this for those of us who have been betrayed.

thank you for sharing Skier

i will certainly do that and speak to it.  i know it's an excruciating reality you're walking through.  i wish it wasn't so.  thank you for watching and posting  

the betrayed turning the tables

I was the unfaithful 11-14 years ago. I caused so much pain. So much trauma. So much ugly. I am now the betrayed and I will never ever understand how my husband could do to me what I did to him. After having gone through everything I put him through it just literally blows my mind how he could do the same. I would have BET MY LIFE against it. That is how sure I was that he would never do such a thing. I have given up trying to understand what can never be understood. There is no point. He tells me that he NEVER would have done what he did if I hadn't of done what I did to him. So, not only do I bear the guilt and burden of my actions from way back when, but I also now bear the burden of his actions. Now his PTSD is my PTSD... But, I go on. I move forward.. day by day.. baby step by baby step. I cannot change the past. I cannot change my actions. I cannot change his. But I must learn to live daily with knowing that I am the cause of his fall.........

interesting comment...

kresta,  thanks for the comment.  a few things here that i'd say.  i wasn't going to answer, but you took the time and effort to comment so I didn't want you to feel ignored or slighted.   at the risk of oversimplifying things and just saying thank you....here are a few observations.  1. you were not the cause of your husband's affair.  he may be traumatized, vulnerable, enticed, damaged etc....and a whole host of things due to your affair.  However, he did what he did and he acted out and he chose to act out that way.  he could have acted out a lot of other ways.  but didn't, and had an affair.  it sucks.  but HE did that, just like the marriage didn't make you have an affair.  you were unhappy, and you had an affair.  the marriage or lack of needs being met etc didn't make you cheat.  he cheated of his own volition.  so i wouldn't take that upon yourself at all.  2. i would however, own your part and own that fact that you did traumatize him but that his response was his response.  3. to a certain extent, I don't follow the 'i'll never understand why he would cheat'....  did the video not help you  understand why betrayed spouses cheat?   i'm curious as to why the video did not explain sufficiently why the betrayed have affairs themselves?  thanks for commenting and watching.  

STD

Samuel
Can I save my marriage after finding out I gave my wife STD I'm scared of loosing her and yes I am trying to save money for the ESM weekend
And thank you for the work you are doing

you can....but it's not easy...

eugene, you certainly can, if the spouse is open to it.  i would get here asap and get on the list for other weekends should we have a cancellation.  we have them quite frequently.  there is a chance you could get in sooner than later and it would certainly help you to get here.   the fact is, it's devastating for sure, but you can heal and many couples have been able to overcome the std and move on in life.  it's a tough road, but a possible road.

 

Controversial Topic

Dear Samuel,
here is another controversial topic- a child from the affair- and what to do with it (especially if it is a child of UH). Maybe you can do a video about it. This is a topic, that (from my experience) nobody wants to speak about.Maybe you will???
Best regards

great question....

hi there.  the only reason I haven't spoke about it is, I haven't been through it personally and don't want to oversimplify things.  i'm working on finding a couple that I can talk to about it though and help them share their story.   it's in the works. thank you for the suggestion and insight. 

 

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