Unpacking the Statement: If You Loved Me You Would Have Never Cheated on Me

Samuel shares the truth behind the statement: if you loved me you would have never cheated on me.

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Does a parent "love" their child if they abuse and neglect it? I ask because adultery is not a momentary act of being unkind. I think using the term "unkind" minimizes what is done. It is truly a horrific form of emotional and even physical abuse (tying someone else's body to others and potentially STDs without consent).

If the analogy is to parenting, then we don't compare the premeditated nature of adultery to parental unkindness in a moment. We compare adultery to horrific emotional abuse and neglect and, perhaps, other forms of parental abuse that can leave physical scars on children without actually hitting them (e.g. refusing to change a child's diaper until it's skin breaks open, bleeds, and becomes infected) because that is what STDs are.

If the parent that does all of that truly loves their child, then perhaps you are correct that my unfaithful spouse did in fact "love" me.

A parent that neglects their

A parent that neglects their child and exposes them to the drugs they are and taking is not a healthy parent. That is not a parent capable of love, commitment and protection of what they were given, even though they might not recognize it. But can that parent be helped and taught and learn how to love and respect themselves first so that they can love their child and make the best of it going forward? I believe they can, with the right help and the right motives. The consequences are still there, maybe even stunted development, but there can be love like there never was before.

"That is not a parent capable

"That is not a parent capable of love, commitment and protection of what they were given, even though they might not recognize it.". You nailed it. And this also explains the unfaithful in my opinion.

"That is not a [spouse] capable of love, commitment and protection of what they were given, even though they might not recognize it." No. I do NOT believe my unfaithful spouse loved me. That is a different question than whether he can learn to love me.

So I think the analogy to the abusive parent is a good one. I just come to the opposite conclusion than Samuel. I come up with the conclusion you put above and I quoted.

"That is not a parent [or spouse] capable of love, commitment and protection of what they were given, even though they might not recognize it."

Thank you!

I think Samuel is saying that

I think Samuel is saying that the statement can be a major stumbling block - a black and white scenario or yes and And that isn't exactly true. One can "love" only as much as they are capable of and understand and it starts with loving yourself in the right way. I think if it more on a spectrum than yes/no. It's true, your spouse did not love you as you loved him but it doesn't mean no love at all. And learning to love truly is possible.

I couldn't finish watching

I couldn't finish watching the video. Probably because my UH kept insisting that he loved me but refused to do any work. We are 5 1/2 years out, and I am giving up and have gone to a lawyer. Our business isn't worth staying married to him for. We have been separated for 5 years. He thought he could just say sorry and I love you--and it would disappear. I would not have destroyed him like he did me.

Sorry Samuel. I think you

Sorry Samuel. I think you missed the the mark here. And I don't think it was a near miss. If I had watched this video when my life was first unraveling, I doubt I would have connected with AR.

I think the other comments speaking of abuse are missing from this video. The abuse and life threats via STI exposure and so on...

I could be wrong. Been wrong before. As a BH - I think the parenting analogy minimizes the abusive nature of infidelity. Infidelity is way more than momentary acts of unloving. Infidelity is often a part of long term, emotional abuse.

I was told by a fellow BH to not watch this. But I didn't listen. I should have skipped this one.

Your video blogs have been

Your video blogs have been very helpful to us and many others in recovery. I know lots of people have found AR through your videos, and I am grateful that you have used this platform to reach out and help those walking through the quagmire of infidelity.

This one is a swing and a miss. Love is an action not a feeling. You mention 1 Corinthians 13, the Love Chapter, which I think most of us reading and watching here had read aloud at our weddings. In that chapter, it mentions actions, not feelings, so the question I would have as I read the chapter is which one of those actions were you showing to your betrayed spouse as you acted out? My formerly unfaithful wife and I have had this discussion many times over the past couple of years, and the conclusion we draw is that she didn't understand what love really is. In fact, she didn't love me, she didn't even love herself and she totally didn't love her APs. She was never going to leave me, so there's that, but it is hard to reconcile the love chapter that talks about action...It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I am not sure how having sex with someone other than me is showing love to me, and I will never be convinced otherwise.

A better discussion would be that there are lots of people, unfaithful and betrayed, that have no idea what love really is. I remember asking my wife early after d-day when she stopped loving me. She told me she had always loved me. I told her that if that is what love is, then I want no part of it. I think she cared for me, yes. Love? No. Love is not the romantic feelings or the limerence. Love is not the fairy tale 'happily ever after'. Love is extending grace to the one that betrayed us in the first place and offering protection for the marriage when there was an attempted assassination by the other spouse. Love is hard work, and it wears gloves and boots and gets its hands dirty acting out in love rather than taking selfishly from others and using and being used by others.

You mention that this is faulty thinking and if you talk to those that have been through it and those that help counsel others they will tell you it is inaccurate. Is my wife going to tell me 15 years down the road that she loved me by having sex with someone else?

Spot on!

"A better discussion would be that there are lots of people, unfaithful and betrayed, that have no idea what love really is."

Your analogy only works if

Your analogy only works if the parent is Darth and the child is Luke.

Just to clarify...

Samuel, we have all failed one another in close relationships but love always acts in the best interest of the other person.
Adultery, no matter our history, alcohol consumption, need level, rejection level, abuse level or selfishness level all has one thing in common, choice. We can choose to honor our spouse regardless of what temptation lies before us, regardless of how unloved we perceive ourselves to be. Please don’t add to the already crushing weight that we betrayed feel by saying, “Oh, and by the way, your spouse does love you.”

If you loved me

Samuel, I have to disagree with you on this one. There are many forms of love and many degrees of love. After living a double life for 15 years, all the while proclaiming his love to me as well as to the OW, I must accept that my husband’s interpretation of love is very different from my own. During those years he displayed affection, caring and was a great provider, but something always seemed to be missing - truth. Without truth, there is no love. Love and deception cannot walk hand in hand. Without respect, there is no love. Love is kind. Stripping me of my life choices by hiding the truth is cruel.

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