Q&A Do You Have Suggestions for Handling the Transgressions That Occur before D-Day and After?

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Question: 

Of course none of them are ok but it seems like the ones post D-Day are the harder ones to process. I get that all of this has always been a choice about him over "us" vs her over me, but before D-Day the affair wasn't public knowledge & “in your face” blatant disregard for effects on family, marriage, friends, daily local activities, life etc.. Initial attempts to reconcile are all shadowed by him lying about affair status/contact/relapse, to the point of having her in our dream home, bed; after I thought we’d made some breakthroughs...very much feeling like a her over me choice. These just seem more abusive & disrespectful because he could see the destruction he was doing to our family, friends, existence – having to move, change jobs, children emotional issues, health, finances and just didn't care. How does someone love you but not care about you or their family? Is that just really the definition of selfishness? He says that his love for me is unconditional, which seems ridiculous because his love feels completely conditional, if it didn't fit his exact need, want or he got mad or drank too much or he wasn't 100% first all the time he justified looking for someone else, relapsing, not acting in family or marriages best interest. I’m often overcome with grief/sadness is it common that the post D-Day transgressions seem harder?

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