How Does the Unfaithful Spouse Deal with Unforgiveness and Resentment toward the Betrayed?

Samuel tackles a touchy subject: helping the unfaithful spouse forgive.

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This is a heavy topic and so

This is a heavy topic and so relevant to my life right now. Here we are 18 months past Dday, I have gone through the hope 4 healing program, put so much work into myself and getting healthy and safe. And our marriage did get better for a little while. Then there were 3 deaths in his immediate family and he hasn't been the same since. And he eventually wandered away and made a connection with another woman and now wants out of our marriage. So back to work I go on myself, but what I would like understanding on is how to let him go when before he had said he wanted to stay in the marriage. Thanks

hi there....so tough...

im so sorry my friend.  i know it's awful pain and incredibly tough to walk out.  all you can do is take care of and be good to you.  if he's going to leave, it's vital you protect yourself emotionally and legally to be honest.  you have assets and rights etc that i'd really get legal counsel on.  it's going to be a process of letting go.  perhaps working through it with a divorce care group would be good?  maybe a professional that's an expert on divorce etc.  he seems lost in his own trauma and pain trying to find healing outside of himself and another woman isn't the answer or happiness he so desperately wants.  it's him, not you. 

 

Resentment

I am the betrayed and my husband has stated time and again I have done nothing wrong that I am an angel and he is grateful I have stayed by his side. But deep down I feel that he is holding back how do I get him to talk. He has had an affair for 3 years and is ambivalent, We both know were things started to go crazy and how we grew apart. When new information gets exposed he is all talk on being "all in" but doesn't do the work to be "all in"...…...

help...

you need outside, expert help.  he won't be able to find home or healing or what do do without that level of expert help i talk about in these videos.  will he do a weekend....an online course....see a professional who is qualified to help?  you may also consider pulling back and not pursuing him.....leaving room for him to move towards you.  maybe these videos will help on ambivalence:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-do-you-do-when-your-spouse-ambivalent   https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/changing-dance-ambivalence  https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-betrayed-spouses-are-perceived-needy-or-codependent  also, here is another piece on it:   https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/after-infidelity-paralysis-of-ambivalence-part-one  very sorry for the delay in answering 

 

Thank you for this video. I

Thank you for this video. I have done a lot of work in my own individual therapy processing resentments and finding empathy. I will be honest that it has not come easy and I continue to work on it. My question is, how do I let go of resentments from both before my affair and after ( pain that I have from things said and done by my betrayed since my affair) if they are not able to see it. I can understand that much of it was because of trauma from my affair but if I am being honest with myself it is still painful and I feel there has to be some form of responsibility taken. How do I let that go and find acceptance and forgiveness?

plan...

hi there.  for starters, you don't need them to acknowedge it or them for you to forgive them and to let go of your resentment.  it's vital you do this work on your own with your own therapist or support group or strategy.  then i would find a medium like a course or counseling to help your spouse be open to listening to objective help and work through it conversationally.  if you can't get help, then perhaps going through a book or two together and allowing it to foster conversations for you both to then talk about hurts and wounds in a safe way.  it's tough without a mediator and without expert help.  this book is a good option though:  https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=asc_df_0553447718/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312674999652&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14032922899420167723&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9028284&hvtargid=aud-801381245258:pla-434109122391&psc=1

 

Thank You from an unfaithful

Wow. Last night and early this AM I prayed for God to help me with my bitterness and resentment towards my betrayed spouse. Today I opened my email and found this video! You are exactly right about all of this. It’s so nice to have my feelings validated.... NOT that I was justified in my affair, but that, YES I have resentment, I tried things, it didn’t work and I had an affair.... I’m angry. Soooo angry and still resentful, but it doesn’t do any good in recovery. We are entering year 3 and it’s still so very difficult. Thank you so much for making this video and giving us unfaithfuls some tips to forgive the betrayed. It’s totally necessary.

thank you so much...

so appreciate the kind words and encouragement.  you just never know what people are facing sometimes and it does my heart so good to read messages like that. thank you for sharing my friend.  means more than i can say.