Series: Paralysis of Ambivalence

Paralysis of Ambivalence: Part 2

Within the walls of therapists who treat infidelity you’ll find endless conversations about ambivalence.  The wayward spouse will tell their mate they love them, but they’re not in love with them. They know what they ought to do, but they really want to be with the other person. They can’t seem to make up their mind. Ambivalence also rocks the world of the betrayed spouse, when their mate agrees to give the marriage a chance only to later be told that they have absolutely zero desire to work on saving this god forsaken marriage.

Ambivalence: a normal part of the process?

After over 30 plus years of treating infidelity and addiction, I’ve come to realize ambivalence is simply part of the grueling process of recovery. It is the stage where we consciously or unconsciously choose to keep our options open by not committing to change.

“Most people who need to make a change are ambivalent about doing so. They see both reasons to change and reasons not to. They want to change and they don’t want to, all at the same time. It is a normal human experience. In fact, it is an ordinary part of the change process, a step along the way”  ¹

Perhaps, if you’re ambivalent you’re one step closer to changing?

Sadly, both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse mistakenly view their mate’s ambivalence as evidence of the futility of considering any form of reconciliation. When in reality, it’s a normal part of the change process. It’s easy to spot the ambivalence in one’s mate, but how good are we at spotting it in ourselves? Once betrayed, it’s a common reaction for someone to push their mate away in anger each time there is an intimate moment with their mate or when a trigger reminds them of what happened. Having given into the part of them that wants to be with their spouse, another part of them jumps up and slaps them on the inside saying “oh no we’re not going there again”. Later that rage again gives way to a desire for connection and once again they move toward their mate only to find, once they get too close, anger or fear intervene once again, pushing their mate away. It’s also common for the wayward spouse to feel ambivalence about the marriage if they are then too  focused on their mate’s ambivalence and not focused enough on themselves. They see their own efforts to regain their mate’s trust, but are blind to the increase of their own ambivalence about the relationship each time their mate rebuffs them. While ambivalence is gut wrenching, it is NOT proof the marriage is over or that there is no hope. As counterintuitive as it may seem, it’s a natural part of the recovery process and a byproduct of the flurry of differing voices going off in one’s head day every day.

What Language Are They Speaking?

What I listen for, above all voices, is a shift to the language of commitment. Are they committed to doing something? The language of ambivalence says things such as, “I know I need to make my marriage work.” The simple truth is my friends, that is not commitment. Needing to do something such as forgive or make my marriage work has nothing to do with being committed to doing that. I may really want to stop being verbally abusive, and while admirable at face value, it shows a desire, but not commitment. I myself want to lose weight and to exercise and I will even tell you I’m going to TRY to lose weight, but what are the odds that I’ll really lose weight if it’s something I’m going to try to do? Try, need, want are all words that fall short of the language of commitment.

Imagine Stephanie and I doing a renewal of vows and I say: “Stephanie, I am going to try to love you, I really want to comfort you, I’m going to try to honor and keep you for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and I really intend to forsake all others, and will try to be faithful only to you, for as long as we both shall live.”

The language of commitment is, I guarantee (commit) I’m doing to do this. I promise I’m going to do the EMS Weekend, for example. I have to go see a therapist to deal with my trauma.  While you may not know whether you want to stay married, it’s more than possible to commit to a process of change to determine if there’s anything worth salvaging. With a commitment to change and personal transformation, the stage of ambivalence is abandoned and a new course is set towards what you are willing to commit to.  

To help continue the conversation surrounding ambivalence, I’ve included two helpful videos for you below. Next week we’ll continue our discussion on the Paralysis of Ambivalence.

¹Diclemente, 2003: Engle and Arkowitz, 2005