When Betrayed Spouses Are Perceived As Needy Or Codependent

Samuel discusses the mindset of some unfaithful spouses and perceived codependency.

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Holy cow... That was a whole lot of "RIGHT!!!", that I did NOT want to hear, didn't want to acknowledge, didn't want to face. How much clearer could he have explained that sad reality. Talk about a lesson I needed to hear. Wow, just wow.


The first counselor we tried to use told me. The betrayed spouse, that the first thing we would need to address was my codependent behavior, NOT the affairs. After reading part of a book he suggested I could not help but think we are all codependent in some way. If I was not somewhat dependent on my spouse then what is the point of having a relationship?
We did leave that councilor because he did not know how to address the affair issues but some of the things he said did stick. A few months into recovery my husband smuggly said you know you can't really afford to divorce me. I walked to my night stand picked out a piece of paper and handed it to him. I said I have been doing some thinking about that and this is my budget. I can afford it without you. I would loose you and cable. Both I can live without. This realization for both of us changes the entire dynamics of our recovery.

SLM....that's awesome

you completely turned the tables on him and quite frankly, that needed to happen. all humor aside, that's what many (not all) but many unfaithful spouses will do to the betrayed: assume they don't have the courage and guts to go through with it if need be. they assume weakness. they assume you can't live without them. they assume that you'll simply go with their normal behavior and not push for change as you've not pushed in the past and stuck to it. they learn a pattern and then use it against you and unfortunately they allow it to be used against their own selves too. the dysfunction hurts them as well. it blinds them. it uses them to go deeper into confusion, self absorption and deception. it's incredibly sad, but i'm so glad to hear your story. i'm so glad you shared it. i hope many will read your comment about the day you turned the tables on him and decided enough was enough. thank you so much for sharing.

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-D, Texas