Q&A How can I Move Past the Humiliation and Shame of Being Betrayed?

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Question: 

As a betrayed spouse (9 months into recovery) I struggle constantly with the humiliation of the affair. My husband was purposeful in his affair to do things he thought would hurt, humiliate, and torment me. I think this may also drive my need to compare myself to the AP... which I know is a dead end street to making myself feel better about anything, much less myself. I feel like I have forgiveness for my husband, as he is completely remorseful and showing me he is safe and supportive. I no longer feel angry toward him about these things but I can't shake the feelings of shame and despair I have about myself. I have struggled with low self-esteem since I was younger and I feel like that is a major handicap in infidelity recovery. Do you have any advice for how to navigate the feelings of being humiliated? I think this needs to be transformed into humility because right now I am not wanting to accept that I can be lovable/desirable/etc based on my own comparisons (and things my spouse has said) regarding the AP (which seems like a pride issue to me). I feel like this is a very difficult and confusing mental hurdle for a betrayed spouse, because even if I understand that the affair is not about the comparison, it still exists and serves to make me feel terrible about myself. I want to heal and get past these feelings so I appreciate any insight you can provide.

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