Q&A How Do I Set Safe Boundaries in Our Recovery?

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Question: 

My husband still blames me for his affair. His justification is that I didn’t support him enough when I sided with my son in our family business decisions. He still accuses me of not supporting him even though I have tried to change and support him as best I am able. He gets angry and withdraws and seethes. When we try to discuss things he becomes very accusatory and demanding. Our adult kids and I are Christians but my husband is not. He has lost our adult children’s respect. Humility and asking for forgiveness would bring huge change in their attitudes towards him. It is hard for me to truly respect him too because he will not take personal responsibility. He so vocally blames me for the reputation he lost and expects me to convince the kids it is all my fault. He was the most honest person we knew until D-Day. He still demands respect and when there is conflict between him and them he grows irate at me if I side with them. But I often do because I feel it is a bad business decision or I believe he is in the wrong in conflicts with our kids. We go round and round and get nowhere. He also is very distanced from them and gets resentful when I spend time with them and our grandkids. They all live close. It breaks my heart, I was so eager for us to be grandparents but it is now an awful tug of war. I must choose my husband or my kids. Is this reasonable? Any suggestions? Is it even possible for me to support him when he continues to blame me for his affair? I am trying to learn healthy boundaries but this is so hard and I don’t know what my boundaries should be in this situation and when I should support him no matter what.

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