Q&A How Should I Deal With Characteristics That I Do Not Possess, Yet Seem to Have Been Sought after by My Spouse in the Affair Partners?

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My spouse is intimacy avoidant. She has been unfaithful numerous times when our relationship became more close and committed when we moved in together, bought our first house, and becoming parents. Her affairs were always very sexually driven and without real emotional connection. She has expressed that the affairs felt like an escape from closeness in our relation. We are trying to rebuild our relationship but due to the avoidance of intimacy she seems unable to express empathy for my hurt and desire to emotionally connect. She has expressed that such actions are "too close for comfort". As a betrayed spouse i am really struggling with the absence of these elements. please advice on the best way to rebuild if the wayward spouse is unable to express empathy, regret and desired intimacy in the recovery process. My self esteem is struggling with the attraction that my wayward wife has had towards her affair partners. Many of the characteristics that my wife provided as to why she was attracted to them do not correspond with my persona. A part of me has the desire to get more detailed information about these characteristics in order to see if I would be able to integrate then into my personality. Another part of me feels that I should disregard these characteristics and focus on my own authenticity. Both approaches however make me feel inadequate. How should I deal with characteristics that I do not possess, yet seem to be have been sought after by my spouse in her affair partners?



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