Q&A What Signs do I Look for to Know that My Unfaithful Spouse is in Recovery?

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Question: 

Dear Rick, You answered my question, “After his affairs, he isn’t broken. Can we heal?” You are correct…I don’t feel that my heart is safe and validating my feelings by saying you wouldn’t feel safe either was such a blessing. You mentioned that you couldn’t give a full answer without knowing more details so I would like to provide them. We’ve been married 15 years. He says he loves me and won’t cheat again. He says he never would want to feel like this again. Can you explain more about your reference of commitment to cease and assist his behaviors? I’m guessing you mean specific recovery work, not just promising that he’ll be faithful. We took EMSO and he has the Worthy of Her Trust book. The continued lies and defensiveness keep me on high alert. He would like me to believe that I’m too obsessed with this infidelity stuff and wishes we could just have a “do over” and move forward because “he isn’t doing anything wrong anymore.” I ask for passwords and him being accountable for his time to feel safer because I’ve had to discover all of his inappropriate behaviors myself. If he is truly committed to our marriage, what would you expect him to be doing? What responsibility does he have in creating safety? I am emotionally drained and tired of feeling like the “bad guy” for needing reassurance. I’m ready to lace up my running shoes if things don’t change drastically soon. Thanks!

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