Q&A Why Am I Having Such a Hard Time Letting Go of My Marriage?

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It has been 18 months since I separated from my husband because of his sexual abuse toward me, his anger, and his porn addiction (which he says began when he was 12 years old). My one condition for staying in the marriage was that we each get appropriate counseling and help for our respective issues. I also requested that we attend an EMS weekend (we did), and do EMS online (we did). I've also done Harboring Hope. Though I have been seeing a therapist regularly for the last two years, my husband refuses to go with me, and has said he has no intention of going to one himself. He says he stopped looking at porn the day I confronted him, and has admitted to showing me "disrespect", but I have no confidence that there has been any real change since he still diminishes his behavior and continues to be deceptive with me and others. He didn't even want anyone to know we were separated because that "would take away [his] ability to speak truth into their lives." I know that he is not safe--so why do I feel guilty about contemplating divorce? I vacillate between wondering if I am giving up too soon and wondering if I am trying to hold on to something that doesn't exist (and never really did). I also wonder if fear is keeping me from acting, or if I'm hesitant because I feel pressured from both directions: He wants to stay married, but my kids (all adults now) want me to divorce him. I had no idea until we separated that my kids would be so relieved at the news! But this isn't their decision, it's mine. Why am I having such a hard time making it?



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