Q&A Why Won't My Mate See the Affair for What It Was?

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Question: 

My husband has difficulty seeing his affair as an affair. He acknowledges that he had an affair, but doesn’t seem to ‘own’ the affair. He began a relationship with a stranger he met whilst away. He took her out to a bar to ‘counsel her’ and then went on to develop a ‘ministry’ relationship with her which involved secret communications, sending her money and declarations of love. Months later, he employed her as his personal assistant and began meeting her in secret, which he says was ‘just’ friendship and work. He admits that, when he eventually slept with her a few times, he was having an affair, but he seems to separate that part of the relationship from the rest of it. He admits the non-sexual aspects involved ‘the keeping of secrets’, but he doesn’t seem to accept that the whole relationship was an affair. He usually describes it as work, ministry and friendship, despite engaging in sexting, secret late night calls and declarations of love from beginning to end. After he slept with her a few times, he says they ‘put things back in a box’. He claims that sex was never their intention – his aim was that both of them would become healthy, fully functioning human beings, with happy marriages and with our families becoming friends. How can my husband be so deluded months after D-Day, despite cutting off his affair partner, and working on our marriage?

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