Do you feel like you're in a battle? You feel weary, run down, and defeated. Is it hard to open your eyes in the morning to face the day? Does the thought of getting up and having to go through the motions of another day feel like more than you can bear? Is the highlight of your day when you can finally bury yourself under the blankets, or a bottle of wine, or [fill in your own blank]?
I understand that well. But, I'd like to share with you today a story of an epic battle and a hard-won victory.
For years, reading aloud was a daily habit for me. My five children and I would get cozy in the living room, the little ones would get a quiet activity like Legos or coloring—and we'd settle in for a good hour or so.
We had started The Chronicles of Narnia. If you're familiar with it, you know it is quite lengthy, filled with epic battles and...
There's a big difference between general anxiety and trauma-induced anxiety. The kind that comes from trauma is a whole different animal. It's like a silent killer that carries with it the fear of being hurt again, and it forces you to relive the pain of the past. Infidelity trauma can feel just like what a veteran experiences when they return from war.
Generalized anxiety is often described as excessive worry about everyday events. It comes from a perceived danger or fear. Trauma-induced anxiety, though, has another layer. With this type of anxiety...
When discussing the future of the marriage, the concept of recommitting eventually takes center stage. I'm reminded of a folk tale about a chicken and a pig trying to decide what each should bring to a big party they're throwing. The chicken says he'd be happy to bring some eggs for the party, and he suggests the pig bring some bacon.
"That's not quite fair," the pig responded, "For you, it's just a contribution, but for me it's everything."
Before I start, let me make a few disclaimers:
Today, I'd like to begin by reflecting on a conversation I once had with an angry, wayward spouse. He had been trying to gain his wife's forgiveness ever since his affair two years prior. Sadly, he wasn't making much progress. The sad part in this particular situation wasn't her inability to forgive him, it was the fact that the bitterness and anger after infidelity were unmanaged and destroying them both.
For the betrayed spouse, the journey after betrayal can be absolutely excruciating. Rather than letting go and choosing to walk through the pain in order to move past it, her antidote to dealing with the betrayal was to try to hurt him as badly as he hurt her. I fear she...
The night I found out the truth about my marriage is one I’ll never forget. Our new living room was cluttered with moving boxes and packing paper. I had just come from the pool with my daughters, and the cool water hadn’t been enough to clear the fog I felt. Revelations had been trickling forth for days. My husband and I had planned to talk after the girls went to sleep. Deep within, I knew something big was coming as the truth was uncovered.
Each summer, as the anniversary of that night nears, I reflect on what life was like before and all that has transpired since. This past year was year six. Coincidentally, we were traveling to a city he had visited with his affair partner, and old memories stirred. I began to think about what I needed to hear back then—what might have carried me through those first painful steps.
If I could go back...
"I'm afraid we'll never achieve the AffairRecovery dream" a couple told me.
What are you talking about?" I asked.
"We're not sure we can make it or that we'll ever find a new life of meaning and purpose," they replied.
In my years of treating infidelity, I've seen couples take many paths after the initial disclosure—and not all to good end. I've often wondered if there's something we could do to help increase the probability of couples...
Should you confront the affair partner? What are the reasons to do this? Should you tell their spouse about the affair? Does the unfaithful spouse owe an apology to the affair partner's (AP's) betrayed spouse?
As someone who went into these conversations motivated by vengeance, I am going to share my story and perspective on how you can approach these issues in your own situation.
You're not the only one wrestling with these types of questions. Explore Harboring Hope, a course for betrayed spouses where you can journey alongside other betrayed...
Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened Part 2: Not Getting It Part 3: Denying Your Reality Part 4: Failure to Grieve
When a spouse is kept in the dark regarding the details of their spouse's affair, it's similar to feeling...
Are silence, avoidance, and frustration killing your recovery?
One of my first jobs was working logistics for a barge company. If you have no idea what a barge even is, you've likely seen a towboat on a river with a string of containers that look like railway box cars floating behind.
Most of us may have never given much thought to the importance of this type of freight that moves massive quantities of grain, steel, and other commodities throughout the inland waterways of our country, however, one thing is important to remember.
All rivers flow downstream towards the ocean.
With...
Rewind to Valentine's Day 1999.
Envision a blanket spread with a mountaintop picnic, complete with Martinelli’s, fluted glasses, and chocolate-covered strawberries. The official “Will you marry me?” complete with an engagement ring. One of the most joyous days of my life.
The dreams and expectations for our future were as wide and big as the view from that mountaintop. I couldn’t wait to start that journey.
Fast Forward to Valentine's Weekend 2021.
I just finished work at the warehouse. I was stopping at the grocery store on my way home. Feeling exhausted, dingy, and just plain down in the dumps. My husband and I were separated, and he was at the house spending some time with the kids. As I was walking into the store, you can imagine my shock upon seeing my husband—arm wrapped around his affair partner,...
