There's a big difference between general anxiety and trauma-induced anxiety. The kind that comes from trauma is a whole different animal. It's like a silent killer that carries with it the fear of being hurt again, and it forces you to relive the pain of the past. Infidelity trauma can feel just like what a veteran experiences when they return from war.

General Anxiety vs. Betrayal Trauma

Generalized anxiety is often described as excessive worry about everyday events. It comes from a perceived danger or fear. Trauma-induced anxiety, though, has another layer. With this type of anxiety, you don't just feel nervous, you actually re-experience the pain of the trauma. In the case of infidelity, you re-experience the pain of the betrayal. Besides feeling the fear of being hurt again, it's also on endless replay. While it might seem that your anxiety is an insurmountable obstacle to overcome, it doesn't have to be. It can actually be a resource in illuminating what needs to be healed on the path of recovery.

The World Health Organization says around 30% of adults will struggle with anxiety. But that number is much higher for those who've experienced betrayal. In fact, many people who start our programs at Affair Recovery score in the severe range of anxiety. That's how devastating it is.

My Battle with Emails

About fifteen years ago, my wife, Stephanie, looked me in the eyes and gave me a wake-up call in the form of a question. She said something I'll never forget: "Is it your pride or your shame that's keeping you from getting help? Because if you don't address this, you're going to go out of business."

She was talking about my bizarre, three-week-long refusal to open emails. Every time I sat at my computer, my body betrayed me. My armpits poured like Niagara Falls. My skin turned clammy. My heart raced. And not a single email got touched. Client requests, bills, even opportunities. None of that mattered because I was frozen. My brain kept telling me: If you click that email, you will die.

And here's the kicker: I am a mental health professional! I know all the tricks. I knew it was all in my head. I repeated mantras like, "Hey Rick, fear is nothing more than false evidence appearing real." I reminded myself, "This is just your amygdala misfiring—it's nothing more than a physiological reaction." I even did breathing exercises—inhale for two, hold for four, exhale for six. It helped a little, but nothing really changed that sense that I was going to die. Finally, I asked myself: What would I tell a friend in this situation? The answer was obvious: "Go get help." So I did.

When Anxiety Serves You and When It Doesn't

Here's the thing: anxiety that is managed isn't always bad. It's not the enemy here. That's because your brain isn't wired for happiness—it's wired for survival! That fight-or-flight response that produces anxiety is built in to keep you safe when danger seems close. Sometimes that's helpful. If your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere at night, anxiety will cause you to feel alert so you stay safe. Anxiety also pushes us to meet deadlines, handle emergencies, and get work done. Without anxiety, I never would have finished this newsletter!

But when you've been traumatized—like after infidelity—anxiety shifts from protective to paralyzing. If you've experienced this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It interferes with your life, freezes you in place, and prevents you from functioning. Anxiety can turn from something that protects and motivates you to a real problem whereby you are paralyzed from functioning. This type of Anxiety disorder that can develop from trauma will prevent you from relaxing at all because you have an internal fear that won't allow you to concentrate or greatly disturbs your sleep.

The Roots of Trauma Anxiety

That email fear of mine? It took me one session with a therapist to discover this implicit unconscious memory I was experiencing every time I tried to open an email. The emotional echo was identified. It traced ALL the way back to high school. I once offended one of the most violent kids in school, and he promised through a friend that he was going to kill me. For three months, I lived in terror—panic attacks at every corner—convinced I was about to die. Years later, my brain associated opening emails with that same life-or-death fear I felt in high school.

That's how trauma memory works. Whether the memory is explicit (you know what triggered it) or implicit (you don't know what triggered it), your body relives it. The racing heart, the clammy hands, the shallow breathing—those aren't "in your head." They're survival responses playing on a loop.

But be encouraged, trauma memories can be "reprocessed." With the help of a therapist, those echoes can and will quiet down. The hypervigilance you are feeling will stop. The extreme anxiety will lift. As well-known mental health professional, Michele Rosenthal once said, "Trauma creates change you don't choose. Healing is about creating change you do choose."¹

Four Strategies to Heal

So what can you do today? Research shows that it's not just trauma itself but also your coping strategies that determine how much anxiety you experience. Here are four ways to promote healing and start lowering your anxiety today.

1. Regain control. People who feel more in control of their lives experience less anxiety. That means making decisions quickly instead of staying stuck in overthinking. I love G.K. Chesterton's quote: "If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing badly." Just decide—even if it's messy. Action always lowers anxiety.
2. Join a group. Community heals. Research proves that when people go through recovery together, anxiety drops. That's why groups like Hope For Healing, Harboring Hope, and EMS are so powerful. The group shares the emotional load. You don't have to carry it alone.
3. Forgive yourself. Anxiety feeds on harsh self-criticism. Many of us replay our mistakes over and over, being far crueler to ourselves than we would ever be to a friend. If you want to reduce anxiety, start treating yourself with kindness. Pressure will lessen, and peace will grow.
4. Find meaning again. Infidelity can feel like it wipes out your reason to live. But Viktor Frankl, a psychiastrist and Nazi concentration camp survivor, said that life is not about what we expect from it, but rather what it expects from us. Discovering your "why" gives strength to bear the "how." Start by serving someone else. Helping others pulls your focus away from your pain and gives you motivation again.

You will learn to manage it by making faster decisions, forgiving yourself more often, joining others in community, and finding new meaning in your life. When you do these things, confidence and peace start coming back. Healing comes not from running away but from embracing fear and walking straight through it—into a better life.