Do you know the number one question couples ask in recovery?
I'll let you know in a moment, but first I want to share with you a story. When my middle daughter was in high school, she decided to be a cheerleader. I was fine with it; what type of trouble could she get into leading cheers, right?
I remember sitting in the stands for the first game, waiting for her début as a cheerleader. What I failed to consider in my risk assessment was her size. Sopping wet, she might have tipped the scale at 90 pounds, which made her the perfect candidate for the “team flyer.” When they threw my munchkin into the air, Stephanie had to use restraints to keep me...
Have you ever wondered: Why can't I just get over this? Do you feel like you're constantly re-living the betrayal, even when you don't want to? Intrusive thoughts keep coming back and won't seem to go away. One minute you are ready to cut ties and move on, the next you're ready to fight for your relationship and work it out. Later that same day, you are kicking yourself for being caught up in the exact same mental and emotional roller coaster, yet again. You deeply desire to understand what happened and why it happened but can't keep your heart rate down when you think or talk about it. You wish you could move on, but it seems like something is holding you back.
It can...
Who should you tell about the infidelity? Who shouldn't you? Why or why not?
This topic comes up at least once a week when I'm speaking with people just like you.
Some people will rush out and tell everyone and their mother, while others suffer in silence, afraid to tell a single soul.
No matter which side of the affair you are on, we suggest finding some middle ground. Pause, and consider what you need right now, and consider who can provide that for you. Let me share my personal experience of who I told and how THAT went, as well as relay some expert advice on how to navigate what can be a very anxiety-producing decision...
How many of you have heard of others questioning or thought yourself: If I stay in the marriage after an affair, how will I ever know I'm not just "Plan B"? If so, you are not alone. After finding out that one partner in a committed relationship has had a secret life with another person, it is very natural and common to question this exact thing. Like it or not, the partner who has to discover the affair will receive an automatic one-way ticket to feeling rejected—for a long time. Most certainly, you find yourselves at a destination you never saw coming and a place you never wanted to be.
Ever lost something that's really important to you? I'm not talking about a phone or even a job. I'm talking about something really important, like a child or a marriage. I've lost something like that. What's worse, my most passionate and sincere efforts to keep it from happening totally failed. I didn't cause it, but I did everything in my power (at least from my perspective) to stop it. And all my effort resulted in a big fat disappointment and a whole heap of pain.
How do we deal with significant failure or loss, especially when infidelity has already caused us so much pain? Odds are, if you're reading this, you know...
Emotional flooding (or dysregulation) is natural in the aftermath of infidelity. Judith Herman says relational trauma, such as infidelity, is "a violation of human connection."1 The attachment rupture that occurs is likely the most painful event the betrayed spouse has ever experienced. They've lost all sense of safety.
The impact is so significant that it creates traumatic memories. As time passes, normal memories fade into the past and lose their emotional intensity, but traumatic memories are a different cognitive entity. When they are triggered, the betrayed spouse re-experiences that memory as if it's happening right now, not in the past....
Has infidelity left you feeling irrelevant or expendable? Candace understands that pain. Now an invaluable member of our Affair Recovery team, she speaks with people weekly to help them take a first step toward healing through our courses. Candace is involved in group leadership, alongside her husband, drawing from their own experience. Her deep well of empathy, wisdom, and knowledge is invaluable to those navigating the healing journey. - Rick Reynolds
Irrelevant and expendable. Those are the two words I chose to describe how my husband's infidelity made me feel.
Four years, two months, and twelve days, that's the amount of...
Love is a funny thing.
To the couple in crisis due to infidelity or addiction, it can also be a very confusing thing.
In our culture, love is most frequently portrayed as an overwhelming feeling of attraction and desire. In the land of make believe, love is a magical force that propels the couple to "happily ever after." Our souls resonate with this theme, and we long for our chance to experience that kind of true love and never-ending passion. This universal desire reveals our desperate need to be loved and to feel wanted.
The only problem is that this fairy tale style of love exists only in movies...
Ever catch yourself staring over that fence, thinking the grass is so much greener on the other side?
I did, and it nearly cost me my marriage. This experience ultimately led me to start programs at Affair Recovery, like Hope For Healing, that help people understand why we tend to look for greener grass in the first place.
I'm an old guy who's lived long enough to make some really dubious choices. Trust me, I've got the scars to prove it. But here's the one lesson I've learned after 46 years of marriage: The grass is NOT always greener.
To those of you who strayed from your marriage or are wondering if you should. Let me ask...
A while back, a woman named, Sue, sat in my office complaining about her husband, Joe. (That's not unusual; both men and women are forever in my office complaining about their mate.) Sue's complaint was about never feeling chosen. She gave example after example of Joe choosing something (or someone) besides her.
After about twenty minutes, Sue stopped, took a breath, and asked, "Am I the problem?"
Without a second's hesitation, I said, "Absolutely, you are."
Shock and disbelief flooded her face as she said, "How can that be?"
"The problem is the way you view your marriage," I responded. "Before you think I'm crazy for saying this, let me help you understand."
Before we go further, dear reader, please understand...
