Ever lost something that's really important to you? I'm not talking about a phone or even a job. I'm talking about something really important, like a child or a marriage. I've lost something like that. What's worse, my most passionate and sincere efforts to keep it from happening totally failed. I didn't cause it, but I did everything in my power (at least from my perspective) to stop it. And all my effort resulted in a big fat disappointment and a whole heap of pain.
How do we deal with significant failure or loss, especially when infidelity has already caused us so much pain? Odds are, if you're reading this, you know...
Emotional flooding (or dysregulation) is natural in the aftermath of infidelity. Judith Herman says relational trauma, such as infidelity, is "a violation of human connection."1 The attachment rupture that occurs is likely the most painful event the betrayed spouse has ever experienced. They've lost all sense of safety.
The impact is so significant that it creates traumatic memories. As time passes, normal memories fade into the past and lose their emotional intensity, but traumatic memories are a different cognitive entity. When they are triggered, the betrayed spouse re-experiences that memory as if it's happening right now, not in the past....
Has infidelity left you feeling irrelevant or expendable? Candace understands that pain. Now an invaluable member of our Affair Recovery team, she speaks with people weekly to help them take a first step toward healing through our courses. Candace is involved in group leadership, alongside her husband, drawing from their own experience. Her deep well of empathy, wisdom, and knowledge is invaluable to those navigating the healing journey. - Rick Reynolds
Irrelevant and expendable. Those are the two words I chose to describe how my husband's infidelity made me feel.
Four years, two months, and twelve days, that's the amount of...
Love is a funny thing.
To the couple in crisis due to infidelity or addiction, it can also be a very confusing thing.
In our culture, love is most frequently portrayed as an overwhelming feeling of attraction and desire. In the land of make believe, love is a magical force that propels the couple to "happily ever after." Our souls resonate with this theme, and we long for our chance to experience that kind of true love and never-ending passion. This universal desire reveals our desperate need to be loved and to feel wanted.
The only problem is that this fairy tale style of love exists only in movies...
Ever catch yourself staring over that fence, thinking the grass is so much greener on the other side?
I did, and it nearly cost me my marriage. This experience ultimately led me to start programs at Affair Recovery, like Hope For Healing, that help people understand why we tend to look for greener grass in the first place.
I'm an old guy who's lived long enough to make some really dubious choices. Trust me, I've got the scars to prove it. But here's the one lesson I've learned after 46 years of marriage: The grass is NOT always greener.
To those of you who strayed from your marriage or are wondering if you should. Let me ask...
A while back, a woman named, Sue, sat in my office complaining about her husband, Joe. (That's not unusual; both men and women are forever in my office complaining about their mate.) Sue's complaint was about never feeling chosen. She gave example after example of Joe choosing something (or someone) besides her.
After about twenty minutes, Sue stopped, took a breath, and asked, "Am I the problem?"
Without a second's hesitation, I said, "Absolutely, you are."
Shock and disbelief flooded her face as she said, "How can that be?"
"The problem is the way you view your marriage," I responded. "Before you think I'm crazy for saying this, let me help you understand."
Before we go further, dear reader, please understand...
On the day I married Stephanie, I swore I would love her till death do us part. I wanted to be a man who loved his wife, a man who would protect her and provide for her. I wanted to be a good father and a man of great integrity. I never fathomed that I would ever dishonor or disrespect Stephanie. My heart was to love her to the best of my ability. That sentiment reflects my true...
When responding to an affair, two wrongs never make a right. It's tempting, but by doing this, a betrayed spouse will wound themselves even further.
As C.S. Lewis says in The Four Loves:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” He goes on to say, “The...
Emotional affairs are devastating. The collateral damage from one sharing their heart and life with another person outside the marriage devastates the betrayed spouse and upends all of life for the couple and family. Trying to piece things together post-affair is not only challenging, it can be one of the most discouraging and frustrating things a couple will ever go through.
What is an emotional affair? What qualifies it as such? Perhaps your spouse is resisting the idea that what happened was truly an emotional affair—what then?
If 82% of affairs happen with someone who at first was "just a friend," as Shirley P. Glass' research suggests1, then maybe there's benefit in exploring how these friendships begin. How does one decide to begin an emotional affair? What signs are there that an emotional affair is...
This week we hear from Marie, a wayward spouse who shares her personal experience of infidelity before, during, and after her affairs. I hope her story brings hope, courage, and understanding to those of you on both sides of this difficult circumstance.
My husband, John, and I were an old married couple before we ever exchanged vows. We lived together, had a dog, and sat around in sweats doing nothing. We loved each other, I'm certain, but it seemed as though we forgot we needed to show it.
About a year into our marriage, I started feeling restless. My daily routine consisted of studying, working, caring for our home, shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I received little to no help from John. Most days when he got home, he would immediately get on the internet...
