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Limerence is both an emotional and a mental state of intense, obsessive, romantic fascination first defined in the 1970s by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her book "Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love."*1 After interviewing more than 500 people on the subject of love, Tennov characterized limerence as a period of excitement and intense emotions that can progress to a seemingly uncontrollable obsession for another person.
Some of the features she observed were:...
I can't count how many times I've said to myself "If I knew then, what I know now... healing would have been so much easier." If there is a missing link to the process of healing from infidelity or addiction, I'm certain that one of the top candidates is developmental trauma. But how do you discover what is and was developmental trauma versus what was just being a child and going through stuff? We're all in luck today, as you'll meet a therapist, a best friend of Samuel and expert healing guide, Michael Webb. Michael and Sam will take one particularly common scenario and break it down for both parties on both sides of the infidelity, to understand not only what's happening, but how to diffuse it. Today can be a great start to the...
Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened Part 2: Not Getting It Part 3: Denying Your Reality Part 4: Not Grieving the Loss
I hate grief work, as anyone in our office will attest. I think it comes from a one-year season in my life where I lost my mother, grandmother, father-in-law, uncle, and the 10-year-old son of our dear friends. I was devastated by the losses, but each time I tried to move on it felt like another death knocked me down causing a sense of utter...
You may be familiar with the life analogy of the contrast between the way cows and buffaloes face an impending storm. As a storm approaches, cows sense it coming and move in the opposite direction, away from the storm. Unfortunately for the cows, they aren't very fast and as a result of this decision, they actually remain in the storm longer as they run alongside it, prolonging the unpleasantness.
Buffaloes, on the other hand, will turn toward the coming storm and charge directly into it. By doing this, the buffaloes pass through it quickly, reducing the amount of time and discomfort they experience from that storm.
I remember hearing this analogy somewhere along my recovery journey and confirming that I must be a cow. I...
The famous mantra "Progress Not Perfection" is a well-known but sometimes misunderstood phrase when it comes to recovery from addiction. Perfectionism in recovery is not a positive thing; since no one is perfect, when you fall short of being perfect in your recovery journey, shame and discouragement enter in. This spiral of negative feelings can often make recovering addicts fall right back into their unhealthy patterns again. However, when you shift the mindset to recognizing the progress you have made, this creates a safe environment for the person in recovery to feel supported and encouraged. Encouragement is fuel for progress and leads to positive feelings, hope for the future, and development of even more healthy habits. Much like learning a new sport, a new recovery lifestyle takes time and practice to...
It seems like it would be a no-brainer, that after disclosure, the unfaithful spouse would display significant empathy and compassion for the betrayed spouse in their pain. While understandable and reasonable, it's simply not always the case. But why is that? After a spouse has been unfaithful, betrayed their partner, and broken their heart, why would they further traumatize the betrayed partner, with blaming, accusation, anger, and indifference? While it may seem counterintuitive, the truth is, this scenario happens far more often than victims of infidelity realize. Today, Samuel shares insight into the mind of the unfaithful partner, and why compassion and empathy are not always immediate in the mind of the unfaithful.
Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened Part 2: Not Getting It Part 3: Hiding in Denial Part 4: Failure to Grieve
Have you ever talked till you're blue in the face trying to get someone to see his or her reality, but to no avail?
Sandy is a strong, attractive 32-year-old mother of two. She and her husband recently reconciled after her husband discovered her involvement in three affairs over the past three years.
She's adamant that...
One of my favorite authors, Richard Rhor, states over and over again in his writings that we can choose to 'transmit our pain... or transform our pain.' I've seen me at my worst, and I can be an expert at transmitting my pain to friends, family, innocent bystanders, umpires, you name it. I've also experienced the rich and lasting feeling when I have been able to see my own inner pain transformed into a vessel to help others heal. When we rage at others, and when we lash out at our significant others or family members, we're transmitting our pain. When we refuse to take ownership of our own inner trauma and project it onto others, we're transmitting our pain. Alternatively, when we can take our pain and learn from it, absorb it, and use it for good in our...
Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened Part 2: Not Getting It Part 3: Denying Your Reality Part 4: Failure to Grieve
A few years ago, I threw my back out. In my wife Stephanie's defense, this was the first time, and both of us were unaware of the seriousness. Stephanie had helped me get into bed, called the doctor, and made a run to the pharmacy to get some...
It's quite easy for couples to address life, marriage, and even recovery after infidelity or addiction with a transactional approach - "let's just fix this and move on.” Yet, this transactional approach to repair work never leads to a transformative experience, typically resulting in a 'go along to get along' mentality. When couples hit this point, restoration is extremely difficult, and true healing remains elusive. A rewarding repair work process must transcend the transactional "you do this, I do this, and we make this work, void of joy and excitement.”
When we remain stuck in a transactional approach to recovery, we typically experience a range of frustrating, debilitating emotions, keeping us in basic survival mode,...
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