One thing is certain no matter which side of the infidelity you are on - after D-Day, anniversaries take on a whole new meaning. On our first anniversary post D-Day, we just wanted to crawl into a hole and forget it was happening.
A million questions swirl around in your mind. Are we supposed to celebrate our anniversary? What should I do? How do I act? Is this all fake? If you were "getting by" before, there's certainly no room for that with what feels like this giant elephant looming in the background. Everything is out in the open, exposed, raw, vulnerable.
On one of our recent anniversaries, I was prompted to reflect on "what does our marriage mean now?" While most of my friends and family members are sharing those cliche messages on social media like "We've always been so perfect for each other," what can I share that is truly authentic? I...
If you have been impacted by infidelity, whether it happened recently or even years ago, your emotions can be all over the place. When you decide to commit to heal yourself, no matter what your spouse decides to do, there are some things you'll need to change in order to get to a healthier place mentally. Some betrayed partners feel the overwhelming need to control everything about the unfaithful, including their schedules, email or social media activity, how they dress, and even their spouse's recovery. While these urges are very common and a normal reaction to trauma, as you heal, you will find yourself more able to let go of some of your fear-based behaviors and replace those with the peace that you are longing for. Today, Stephanie, in her twenty plus years of experience, shares how she moved...
How many times have we experienced ups and downs in trying to save our relationship after infidelity? What about in our own personal repair work? The truth is, we typically will move two steps forward, three steps back as we try to heal from either our own destruction, or our partner's. Today Samuel brings a refreshing approach to accomplishing long-term, sustainable transformation, in both our own healing work, and possibly that of our relationship. We don't have to struggle to gain momentum forever in our own healing, and if we choose to salvage our relationship, we don't have to live in a state of constant turbulence or uncertainty. Today you'll hear crucial but palatable insight that can be applied to your own situation, from Samuel's...
For that matter, what is "healed" anyway? What does it mean? What does it actually look like? I will explore this further in a future blog, as this question has perplexed and frustrated me since I learned of my husband's infidelity. More to come on that.
In the meantime, the process of healing is hard to measure. You can't take out a yardstick or step on the scale to track the progress. It's subtle and murky. Healing is slow and often undetectable day by day. It takes some intentional scrutiny to see it, and it looks different for every person. I can only tell you my own experience but maybe it can offer some insight in your situation too.
I think it's easy to dismiss progress when we still feel pain. Pain can be deafening against the quiet of progress....
Do you or your partner shut down out of self protection in the middle of a discussion? If they do, or you do, there’s probably a reason behind it. It’s not always to punish the other partner, but may be due to a concept called ‘self-protecting.’ Oftentimes, when we’re in a discussion that we feel threatened by the tone, content, or expression of our partner, we can self protect and shut down, seemingly walling off the threat - aka, our partner. The unfaithful typically do this more than the betrayed, and without an understanding into why this shutdown happens, it can appear as though one partner is punishing the other, when it may not be true at all. Today, Samuel lays out a concrete understanding on why this may be happening in your relationship, and how to not only...
Preface: In Hope for Healing lesson 5, as a participant, I was asked to examine the difference between a prideful spirit and a broken spirit. At first, I thought maybe I had come up with the "wrong" answer because the other women in my group saw brokenness as a bad thing and a place to be ashamed of. I see brokenness as a catalyst for total transformation. Looking back on my journey through failure, disaster, and gut-wrenching pain, I came up with this definition of brokenness.
How Do I Define Brokenness?
Brokenness is the place where I realize we are all the least of these. In this place of being molded like clay, I accept that I am not defined by a career, position, title, abilities, or productivity. It's a place where I recognize at any moment I may become homeless, a refugee, disabled, or an...
When you decide to face your addiction and commit to recovery, it is vital that you surround yourself with others who are in a similar position. As Mickey likes to say, "there are no lone rangers in recovery." Even if this is foreign or uncomfortable for you, being humble and asking for support from other people on the same path is going to help you stay accountable and healthy in your relationships. Connection is key, and as you work through your program, your recovery community can actually become some of your closest friendships as you grow together. Today, Mickey talks about some practical ways you can start building your network of support to help you stay sober and make progress on your path to healing.
It's a typical scenario: the betrayed wants or needs to talk, and the unfaithful just doesn't have it in them at the moment. Enter the phrase that appears to diffuse the situation, yet only exacerbates the entire process of healing: 'let's just talk about it later.' I'm sure you know the rest; the truth is, "later" very seldom ever comes. The unfaithful struggles to find their words and hold on to themselves, and not circle the drain in shame. The betrayed is pining away, needing to talk and process their hurt and pain with their mate or partner, but is denied this opportunity to connect and emote. The result is often frustration, disconnection and eventually, rage. Yet, it doesn't have to be this way; both betrayed and unfaithful alike can create safety for each other to share their pain...
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If there's any one thing that reveals how irrational my thinking had become, it would be the above thought. I could only see one alternative: either I had to die, my wife Stephanie needed to die, or my affair partner needed to die. It seemed there was no way to recover from an affair. I wasn't homicidal or suicidal, but I honestly could not see a solution, short of one of us dying. Somehow, like many caught in the crosshairs of infidelity and disclosure, I had mentally restricted my options so much that there seemed to be...
Previously, Samuel interviewed Michael Webb to discuss a scenario between an unfaithful male and a betrayed female, and how developmental trauma affects both inner and outward conversations with our spouse. Today, Samuel follows up with Michael with the roles reversed: an unfaithful female with a betrayed male partner. Without an understanding of our wounded inner selves, we end up transmitting our pain, instead of transforming it. This typically ends in disaster, causing more and more disconnection between the couple. Today, you'll hear insightful and experienced insight into how to navigate difficult conversations with our spouse or partner, while also gaining a deeper understanding into the complex world of trauma care.
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