What a Healed Betrayed Spouse Looks Like

If you have been impacted by infidelity, whether it happened recently or even years ago, your emotions can be all over the place. When you decide to commit to heal yourself, no matter what your spouse decides to do, there are some things you'll need to change in order to get to a healthier place mentally. Some betrayed partners feel the overwhelming need to control everything about the unfaithful, including their schedules, email or social media activity, how they dress, and even their spouse's recovery. While these urges are very common and a normal reaction to trauma, as you heal, you will find yourself more able to let go of some of your fear-based behaviors and replace those with the peace that you are longing for. Today, Stephanie, in her twenty plus years of experience, shares how she moved past hurt to healing on her recovery journey, and how you can too.

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Thank you

Thank you for sharing these…. I have been struggling since the last 4 months after finding out the affair of my partner on our first year of relationship as he had the affair on our 8th months of being together. I watch all your videos here every night finding the answers to help me heal as I am finding it hard to forgive and forget…

AP

I am having a really hard time moving forward from my husband’s affair with his first love from 35 years ago. At first, we were starting to heal. Then, the AP kept texting my husband. She was not only texting him how much she wanted him and pictures, but also horrible things about me (she’s never met me) physically, my character, my competence in my career. She kept talking about how great her kids are that she’s raised as a single mother, and how our youngest would love living with her. She would stop the contact for about a month, then continue. She even started addressing me directly in the hateful messages, all the while telling my husband how horrible I am and how much she wants him. I developed severe ptsd. I became like a mama bear backed in a corner, terrified to protect her cubs. I no longer recognized myself, as my self-esteem plummeted to below zero. I was constantly on edge and took my fear and pain out on my husband with anger. I couldn’t understand why he won’t protect me, our marriage, and our kids from her. I have now found out that he gave her a secret email and used an old phone to communicate with her the past 6 months. He says it was because I kept getting upset, and he wanted to build trust with her to find out why she was so horrible to me. She manipulates the conversation to the degree that now he is not sure whether he wants to continue our marriage. I am more devastated by this renewed secret contact with my husband after him knowing what she has done to me with intent, then the one-time physical encounter 3 years ago. I am living a nightmare that I never saw coming (either time) and can’t get away from. My husband will not end it with her forever. I just want to call her to ask her why she would intentionally do this to another woman. I feel like I need to do this to regain some self-respect. Thoughts?

Health/Safety journey

Shelby,

I am so incredibly sorry to hear what your husband has put you through. A HUGE part of recovery is both partners creating a safe and healthy place to learn, grow, and heal. That simply cannot be done when the AP is trying to tear your family apart or that your spouse has not cut off all contact or encourages the contact. You can still have your own path of healing that is separate from someone who is not making efforts to contribute to your well-being. Mickey had contact with his AP in the early months of disclosure, that shifted to contact through a lawyer due to a child being a part of the situation, eventually I became the point of contact as it helped my healing to not fear their communications. We would set it up so that I could be on calls or at least know the why behind any communication. Remember that it takes 2 unhealthy people to knowingly participate in an affair..even if your spouse gets healthy, it doesn’t mean the AP ever will. If you have never participated in the Harboring Hope program, I’d encourage you to do so for your own health/recovery. Trauma work is exhausting but definitely worth the effort. Praying that you find your path to that place of safety/health. You deserve to be treated and cared for beyond what you’ve experienced in your recovery journey so far.

Thank you

Thank you, Stephanie, for sharing. I am going to start identifying my hurt versus healed self, as some healing has taken place. I am by no means fully healed but I think this is a great exercise to see how far I have come and which areas still need work. I also really appreciate hearing your thoughts on after healing has taken place. I look forward to the day that I can proclaim it, just as you have. Your openness, vulnerability, experience and encouragement are such a gift to those of us on this path. Thank you.

Thank you

Thank you Stephanie for the hope you give!

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas