"We get what we need by walking through what we never wanted."
-Ann Voskamp
I'm not one of those guys who has it all together, but I'm sure you can relate. Sometimes, it feels like there's no way to survive the pain being generated by circumstances in our life. Betrayal is a pain like no other, but there are many other painful situations that can knock the stuffing out of you too.
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I was having a conversation with my Affair Recovery editor recently, and we talked about the motivation behind my decision to blog about infidelity. It can be emotionally heavy, and logistically difficult amidst work, home, and family responsibilities, particularly as I continue to devote time and energy to therapy and recovery work. So what made me want to do this?
Infidelity creates an isolation like nothing else.
In the many years during and after my husband's affair he would not admit to anything. Just flat out denial of my legitimate suspicions, like I was just crazy for asking. I lived in limbo, knowing I did not have the truth,...
For decades betrayed partners have shared vehemently how they feel they are the ones having to console or care for their unfaithful partners after the disclosure of an affair. It's a thorn in the side of a generation of betrayed partners who feel like they are the true victims in this equation, yet they are paralyzed by an unfaithful partner who continues to make the situation more about them than the betrayed. Furthermore, any time the betrayed feels like they are not OK and show emotion, the unfaithful (in this particular situation) become distressed as well and oftentimes show their distress with defensiveness, anger, rage and deflection. Today Samuel pinpoints why unproductive and sometimes harmful reactions like this happen in the...
About a decade ago, my daughter decided she'd like to get hitched. There were a couple of serious contenders along the way that I'd like to tell you about.
I remember when she brought her first serious boyfriend home to meet the family. As her father, I felt it my duty to vet this young man. I wanted to know what type of metal he was made of. Was he good enough for my girl? I loaded my pickup with axes and chainsaws and took him out to the back of our property to do a little land clearing. Much to my chagrin, he hurt his back in the first hour and spent the rest of the weekend in bed.
After depositing him at the airport for his trip home, my daughter came in and asked what I thought. Her mom...
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During EMS Weekend, we won't shame the unfaithful spouse nor blame the betrayed spouse. What we will do is pair you with a small community of other couples and an expert therapist - all of whom have experienced infidelity firsthand - as well as provide comprehensive resources to help you kick-start your healing journey.
Be sure to check out the brand new video at the bottom of this article!
Have you decided to make the life you currently have better? Or do you, like many others, feel paralyzed and unable to take the next step? If you feel as though you're stuck, due to being...
Last time in the studio, Samuel interviewed expert therapist and infidelity survivor, Amanda Asproni, on the defense mechanisms of the unfaithful spouses. Today they continue their interview but shift to defense mechanisms of the betrayed spouse. While the unfaithful are quick to utilize these deflections in an effort to reduce blame, shift focus and take the attention off themselves, the betrayed also utilize their own defense mechanisms. How they utilize them is a bit different and may come from a different mindset than the unfaithful, yet they are still defense mechanisms which must be addressed and helped if the couple has a chance at healing. Join Samuel and Amanda today as they have a pivotal discussion in the healing of couples in crisis due to infidelity or addiction.
For those of us who have been unfaithful, if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit we sometimes lack motivation to pursue help and do the hard work necessary after an affair. We struggle in being honest with others, our partner or spouse, and even ourselves. To avoid owning all of the blame for our affair(s) we will employ 'defense mechanisms'. These defense mechanisms not only delay our individual and relational healing, they cause more damage to the betrayed party and undermine the entire repair effort. Today you'll hear Samuel interview frequent guest therapist, Amanda Asproni, and discuss how these defense mechanisms undermine the entire affair recovery process.
After the revelation of infidelity, memories and milestones become a very tricky landscape. Reminiscence that used to instill joy, nostalgia, and peace, can now elicit a very different set of emotions. Reflection on the past can be truly debilitating in the face of betrayal. As a whole, anniversaries, dates, seasons, etc. now carry a sting. But there is a particularly cruel mockery that enshrouds a wedding anniversary following marital infidelity.
Some experts guide a couple in recovery to consider the "old" marriage to be dead, grieve its loss, and then embark on creating a "new" marriage in truth, light, and healing. I understand the sentiment behind this, and maybe it is interpretation on my part, but I just don't like it. It doesn't work for me....
When couples attempt to heal from infidelity or addiction, they're faced with many staggering truths that can make or break both their own recovery and the relationship. Today Samuel points a way through the smoke and malaise of denial and loss to clarity, courage and hope for the future.
Our mission at Affair Recovery is to help those impacted by infidelity find extraordinary lives of meaning and purpose. For us, the end goal isn't just to recover from betrayal but to use betrayal as a catalyst for transformation and change. To that end, I hope to provide a bit of a road map as to how transformation can actually occur.
I want to acknowledge upfront that many of these concepts of transition are taken from William Bridges' book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes.1* If you resonate with these concepts, you may wish to read his book as well.
I'm sure most of you have heard this ancient...
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