You Asked, We Answered: Trauma, Forgiveness & Anxiety
How do you move forward when your marriage feels permanently tainted? In Episode 9, our experts answer a diverse set of questions: exploring forgiveness, the trap of comparing yourself to the affair partner, navigating anxiety and safety during recovery and how to pursue your own healing even when your spouse refuses to do the work. Learn to navigate the grief of a shattered past while building a new, hopeful future.
What type of affair was it?
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Getting past multiple affairs
My husband had an affair years ago. Then, in November 2024, I found out that he was having an "emotional affair", so he says, with my friend. She is in my church's small group, and he was the leader. We went out as couples every Friday night. I saw the text when we were on what I thought was a dream vacation - a cruise to Alaska when I saw the text, "I love you and wish it was you in bed with me". He said it was over, but almost exactly a year later, her husband sent me a transcript of their "goodbye message" (he said they broke up several times) where they proclaimed their love, said their spouses had to die before they could be together, and talked about running away together. He says this time, just as he did last time, that he knows he can be faithful because the Holy Spirit is helping. I've heard it all before. I feel like he ran over me, got out, and cut me up with a knife and i'm lying there bleeding, and he is smiling down at me. He can't remember most things about it, so he hasn't been transparent. For instance, he doesn't know who said, "I love you" first. Or who called the other first? I don't want to hate, but I feel a rage like i have never felt before. I want to forgive, but right now, I'm hurt, enraged, and devastated. We've been married for 47 years, and I wonder if he ever truly loved me and was faithful. Will I be able to trust him and feel safe?
I relate to your feelings.
In reply to Getting past multiple affairs by Barbara K
Firstly, thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to be so vulnerable. Betrayal is such a blow to everything we hold dear and everything we've believed. I've spent my fair share of time second guessing every past motivation and interaction from my spouse and what I've learned is that love can coexist with selfishness. His betrayals were incredibly selfish (and also fueled by other factors that required therapy for him to work through) but I do believe he loved me throughout. He certainly wasn't loving me well, but once the dust had settled, no one was more surprised by his choices than he was. He didn't think himself capable. The devastation and destruction he created sent our family into a tailspin, but I came to understand that a person is always capable of more than they think they are (for better or worse) and that our emotions are multifauceted, often requiring real work to process through. I definitely needed help to sort out the imense feelings I was experiencing. I found Harboring Hope to be very beneficial and it really jumpstarted my healing process. Regardless of your mate, choose to pursue healing for yourself. The strength you gain may offer you greater clarity so you can approach your future with confidence.
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